Hello, friends! Happy New Year! I know, I know, we’re in February now, but I had to say it since I haven’t said it to you yet 🙂
I apologize for being away from the blog for so long. I did not intend for it to be this long of a break, but I’m back from what I’m calling my holiday hibernation. I had the week off between Christmas and New Years for the first time since 2020, and I was really psyched about it. I had planned to be so super productive. To get way ahead on the blog.
But, would you guess what happened instead? My body told me it needed to rest, and I listened. I let go of the guilt of not being productive and not posting new content, and it was freeing and wonderful. It was just what I needed. And that vibe definitely spilled well into 2024…
Some holiday plans got delayed due to a few family members getting sick, so Christmas celebrations continued on into the new year. Then, Mr. Dink and I went on a vacation (much belayed honeymoon trip and early birthday present for him). Perhaps because of this, my body sort of stayed in restful, non-productivity mode. And basically, I let it stay there. No matter how much I fought it, no matter how productive my mind wanted to be, my body was happiest on the couch with a book, in a chair with some tea, not staring at my computer…you get the picture.
I fought it hard at first, as well as several times throughout my holiday hibernation. If I didn’t let my mind give in to the idea that my body wanted to rest, if I pushed back and tried to be productive, I became agitated and grumpy (while still not being very productive). It was a lose-lose situation. But when I did give in, when I gave myself permission, I was able to appreciate the rest.
I learned through this experience that even though I’ve taken steps to start designing my best life now, even though I have found myself a low-stress job and have set good boundaries, it is still my nature to be go-go-going throughout the year, and I still need rest.
A book on rest
How appropriate that during this time of internal struggle I was having, I also happened to be reading the book called Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey. I received it as a Christmas present, along with 2 other books, and because of the struggle I was having with rest and productivity, I of course turned to this book first.
I enjoyed the book a great deal. For starters, it validated so many of the feelings I have about rest and how hard it can be in the society we live in. I often feel alone when it comes to these feelings I have about rest, but Hersey made me feel seen with her words.
If you’ve read my story, or you’ve been around the blog long enough, you know that I used to be stuck on the hamster wheel, chasing someone else’s version of success. Even though I thought I had my “dream job” as a professor at a medical school, I was stressed out to the max. There was no time to rest. It wasn’t until I stepped off the hamster wheel, took a pay cut, and started to slow down that I realized the value rest had in my life, that there was way more to my life than just my job and what I did for a living.
Validation
In Rest is Resistance, Hersey put so many of the thoughts I’ve had about our toxic over-working society into words on the page.
She writes about how “capitalism calls for us to ignore our pain and health for the sake of being on the clock” and how “our drive and obsession to always be in a state of ‘productivity’ leads us to the path of exhaustion, guilt, and shame.”
She writes about how grind culture is killing us, both physically and spiritually, and that we’ve been conned by a culture without a pause button.
She writes about how academia is one of the main homes for grind culture, a concept I’m only just now wrapping my head around and seeing how much this may have contributed to the struggle I have experienced between productivity and rest.
One of Hersey’s main motives in the book is to encourage us to rest even though we’ve had no model for it.
She writes about how we live within a system that has taught us we aren’t enough unless we produce. How this “do more” belief was passed on to her and her siblings by her parents and every adult in their lives. All the sayings we’ve all heard over and over again from the system like “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” “the early bird gets the worm,” “I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” and “burn the midnight oil” echoed in my head as I read them on the page.
I love my parents dearly, but like Hersey, I feel there was no model of rest in my household either. My parents worked hard to give my brother and I a wonderful upbringing, both working full-time jobs as a nurse and an engineer, and for that I’ll be forever grateful. At least one of them was always home to cook dinner and cultivate having a meal as a family. But even when they were home, there was no real resting. No modeling of what it meant to rest. Oh, you’re sitting on the couch? Please fold this laundry or pick up your toys or vacuum the living room. There’s so much you could be doing besides relaxing on the couch. Even when we went on our one, week-long vacation each year, we had a completely full itinerary, with things to do from the moment we woke up to the moment we climbed into bed, to try to “make the most” of our time away from work and responsibility.
New insights
Even though this book validated a lot of my previous thoughts on the topic of rest, I also gleaned some new insights as well.
For starters, Hersey writes about an important shift we all need to make in our mindset about resting. Resting is so rare, so taboo, she argues, that we have all been led to believe that the only reason to rest is to become more productive. This, of course, is absolutely false. Sure, resting can help us become more productive afterward, giving our bodies the break it needs. But this shouldn’t be the only reason we rest. Contrary to what society tells us in its messaging, we are allowed to simply rest for rest’s sake. Hersey argues that we need to shift our narrative about rest from “resting to become more productive” to “resting for resting’s sake.”
This was a big one for me. Because I had no model for rest growing up, I sometimes feel like I don’t know how to rest. Or, maybe that I know how to rest, but that I can’t turn my brain off while resting. I can’t shut out the noise, all the voices in my head telling me the things I should be doing, all the ways I could be productive.
Because I’m hardwired toward productivity, and I have been taught that resting is the opposite of being productive, it’s hard for me to actually relax when I am resting. And I even get grumpy and agitated when I see anyone else resting! The only thing that has made things better in this regard is shifting my mindset. Giving myself permission to rest for rest’s sake. But it’s still absolutely a work in progress.
The second insight I gained is that resting can be about so much more than simply napping or lounging on the couch (although these do totally count as resting). I can’t articulate this much better than Hersey, so take a look at her words.
The possibilities are endless and infinite. Rest looks like tapping in and listening to what your body and soul want. It’s extra time while bathing, even an extra ten minutes of concentrated silence. Rest is taking a leisurely walk and dancing. Rest is a tea ritual allowing you to meditate while breathing in each warm sip. Rest is not returning an email immediately and maintaining healthy boundaries. Rest is honoring the boundaries of those you engage with. Rejecting urgency. Rest is detoxing from social media. Rest is listening and healing from individual trauma. Rest is journaling so you can be a witness to your own inner knowing without the energy of others.
Tricia Hersey, from her book Rest is Resistance
This concept especially hit home for me in the context of financial independence and lifestyle design. I get frustrated by people (outside this community) who assume financial independence is about never having to work another day in your life and sipping cocktails all day on the beach. This has never been and will never be what financial independence is about for me. For me, financial freedom is about getting to choose how I want to spend my days, resting in whatever ways matter to me. For me, going on long walks is a form of rest. Volunteering is a form a rest. Spending time with friends and family is a form of rest. I could not have articulated it like this before reading this book.
Last but not least, my final insight sparked the biggest a-ha moment I had from this book. It related to what Hersey had to say about the role of rest in grind culture. She writes, “to rest is to creatively respond to grind culture’s call to do more.” I encourage you to read that passage a few times (at least, I did when I first read the book).
Essentially, this is the essence of her message she hits you with right in the title of her book: rest is resistance.
In a world with no pause button, in a world where we have been taught that our worth is directly tied to our productivity, rest is a form a resistance toward that notion.
This basic yet profound statement led to my a-ha moment because this, without knowing it or being able to put words to it before, is what I have been trying to do with my slow FI lifestyle.
Hersey encourages us to rest while at the same time warning us that because of the way our society has been built and continues to grow, we unfortunately have to do it within a capitalist system.
And this is ultimately what I have been doing in the last few years with my slow FI lifestyle – participating in while also resisting grind culture. How have I done this? Let’s take a look at just some of the ways.
What “resting as resistance” looks like for me
There has always been this part of me, deep down in the depths, that has questioned grind culture’s call to do more. Even though I was good at playing the game. Even though I had wild success within grind culture. It still ultimately forced my hand.
When I got off the hamster wheel and realized there was so much more to life than work, I started slowing down, not realizing that was the first step to resisting grind culture with rest. Even when I then joined the corporate world and almost got sucked back onto the hamster wheel, I slowly realized I didn’t need to climb that corporate ladder to be seen as successful. Again, I slowed down, resting as resistance once more. I resisted that energizer bunny lifestyle that so many have grown accustomed to.
Setting boundaries at work
Setting boundaries at work has been one of the major ways I have rested as resistance. It wasn’t easy, but it felt necessary to achieve the separation I desired from work and the rest of my life. Setting boundaries has helped with my stress and anxiety levels surrounding work. Setting boundaries has given me the mental mindset I need to “turn off” my work brain at the end of the day. And, maybe most importantly, setting boundaries has allowed me the time freedom I needed to pursue other passions outside of work (like this blog!).
I’ve written a whole post on this topic, so I won’t belabor the point, but setting boundaries at work may be my most important form of rest as resisting grind culture.
Getting up early
In her book, Hersey writes how her dad would get up early to have time to himself, time to devote to his passions and interests, before he began his day working for other people. When she would ask him why he would get up so early when he didn’t have to go to work until later, he would say “I want to have a few moments in the day that belong to just me before I clock in.” This is exactly what I do.
I decided not to let grind culture keep me from the life I wanted to build. I decided I could have it all: a 9-5 job that kept the lights on, paid the bills, and fueled my goals toward financial independence, while still having a life outside of work.
I ignored all my colleagues signing on early to work (I work remotely) and staying late. I took that time back for myself.
As a carpenter, Mr. Dink gets up super early (5 AM) so he can make the most of the daylight hours. I resisted this wake-up time when I first moved in with him, but I ultimately found that I would wake up anyway, and going back to sleep to then wake up around 7 AM left me feeling groggy and weird. So, I experimented by getting up at 5 AM with him. It was difficult at first, but now I would never go back. Since I work a 9-5, getting up that early gives me 4 whole hours to do things for ME before I go to work for someone else. What I do during this time looks different every day, but can include exercise, journaling, meditating, reading, writing, etc.
Getting up early has been life-changing for me, and I believe it’s one of the reasons I haven’t yet gone down to part-time or quit my job to freelance. Because so far, I’ve been able to design my life around my 9-5 and get most of what I need by getting up early.
Saying no
As I’ve gotten older and gone farther down the financial independence path, I’ve gotten a whole lot better at saying no. This behavior has included everything from not attending an invite to a party/event when my schedule is already feeling full and I just want to rest, to saying no to family obligations that I know won’t be restful for me. From letting go of friendships that are no longer 2-way streets, to telling my boss I couldn’t meet with her to do my annual review at 5 PM on a Friday.
Saying no is a complete sentence (credit to author Anne Lamott), and as I’ve gotten better at it, it has become one of the ways I rest as resistance.
Choosing me/avoiding disappointing myself
I’ve written about this a lot on the blog (you can find the most recent post here), and yet I’m still very much a work in progress when it comes to choosing myself. But much like with saying no, I’m finding that the more I practice, and the older I get (ie, the more life experiences I have), the easier it becomes to choose myself. Throughout my life, examples of choosing myself have ranged from quitting the basketball team so I could be in the school musical in high school, to choosing to reside in a quiet dorm in college (much to my friends’ dismay). From leaving a postdoctoral fellowship early so I could move back home and start a non-research-related job, to recently choosing not to be in a good friends’ wedding.
The hardest part of choosing myself has been the guilty feeling it always comes with. I often think of choosing myself as selfish, when I should think of it as freeing (but I’m getting better and better at thinking this way). We, especially women, are taught that it is our duty to keep the peace, to make sure everyone else in the room is comfortable, regardless of how we feel. But choosing ourselves is a form of rest as resistance. Because choosing ourselves defies this rule of keeping outer peace in honor of our inner peace.
Meditation
The hardest part (for me) about meditation is finding the motivation to do it, to sit there doing nothing (which is a myth in and of itself), when I could be doing so many other “productive” things. Sounds a lot like other forms of rest, doesn’t it?
The thing is, meditation is productive. Meditation is a spiritual practice. It has helped me in so many ways. Not to mention, studies show that meditation lowers blood pressure and stress and helps improve sleep and mood.
Every time I meditate, I’m resisting grind culture’s voice in my head: Why would you meditate when you could be doing _____? (fill in the blank here with whatever speaks to you). It’s the same voice for any type of resting I’m doing. But just by doing the thing (in this case, meditating), I’m resisting. That voice in my head, planted by a society dripping in grind culture, will hold power over me no longer.
It will not be easy, but there’s good news
Resting is not easy, but as Hersey writes, we have do it. We have to learn how to rest, or to reimagine rest for ourselves, even though there’s been no model.
Given all that I mentioned above about how I rest, I thought I had it mostly figured out. That is, until I saw how much I needed rest on this vacation we just took. Even with all that I’ve implemented to rest as resistance, even with all the boundaries I have in place, I still needed even more rest.
In the book, Hersey writes about her dad (remember the one who would get up early to make time for himself?) and how even though he made time to rest, it still wasn’t enough. Even though he carved out time in his day for himself, it didn’t change the fact that for the rest of the day, he was going going going. He was a manager at his railroad job, an assistant pastor, a choir director, and a community organizer. He did so much (even though it was all good things). Hersey remembers them getting phone calls at all hours of the night from church members. He was beloved by his community. He did so much, so much good, and yet he died early from stress, lack of sleep, and overworking.
This is my greatest fear. Not necessarily dying early, but doing too much. There are so many things I want to do with my life, and yet I can tell my body craves rest. There has to be a balance when it comes to goals and ambition, and time for rest. A happy medium where the 2 are in harmony. That is my goal.
Besides finding balance, another reason we need to rest is because of the potential for new possibilities.
Hersey argues that our bodies hold information that needs to be heard. And that it’s almost impossible for it to be heard if we don’t rest. She writes that slowing down is a sacred place, ready to hold and make space for our gifts and inherent talents.
This really resonated with me because I have found in my own life that rest allows the space for me to envision new possibilities (including this blog!). It wasn’t until I got off the hamster wheel and slowed down that I started to see all the passions and interests I had outside of my job. They had never been allowed to come to the surface before. I was too busy to rest, to make space for new possibilities. Once I slowed down and became less busy, these interests started bubbling up, seemingly out of nowhere. Now I know where they are from, and Hersey has given me even more ways to describe the magic I experienced during this time of slowing down.
Have I convinced you yet? Have I convinced you that we must reimagine rest for ourselves? If so, do you know how you would reimagine rest for yourself?
If you’re ready to embrace rest and know just how to start, you can jump right in. But if I’ve convinced you and yet you’re still unsure of exactly how to reimagine rest in your life, you might need to take more of a snail’s pace. Luckily, there are a few places you can start.
Daydreaming
In Rest is Resistance, Hersey recommends daydreaming to discover for yourself how you would reimagine rest.
Dreaming creates energy, allows me to connect with my deepest ideas and offers space. Space to just be and to become free from the demands of a fast-moving, nonstop culture.
Tricia Hersey, from her book Rest is Resistance
If you’re like me, daydreaming is another one of those concepts that has been slowly taught out of my vocabulary over the years by our society.
In other words, daydreaming has become a word that, for me, is directly tied to rest. So then, who has time for daydreaming?
But daydreaming is really important, Hersey argues. We all used to do it when we were kids, but it got trained out of us. If you were lucky, it was just something you learned over time by example not to do. The not-so-lucky ones had daydreaming straight-up shamed out of them. I will never forget a memory from my high-school chemistry class. Being the straight-A, goodie two-shoes student I was, I sat right up front in the class, alongside my friend/nemesis who was right up there with me in the top (and front) of the class. We were friends but also fierce competitors. We both found chemistry class extremely boring, and unfortunately for her one day, she was caught daydreaming. The teacher caught her staring off into space, stopped his lecture, looked right at her and said sternly, “Jen! Is he naked?” referring to the naked man she obviously must have been daydreaming about (?!). I was mortified for her, so I can only imagine how she felt, but I think her bright-red face said it all. We never talked about it, but even I remember feeling shame, and it didn’t even happen to me. Not only was this ridiculously inappropriate (it was a male teacher saying this to a female student in front of the entire class, after all), but it’s a great example of how we are trained to believe that daydreaming is absolutely not something we should be doing.Â
Now, in adulthood, I have blessedly found daydreaming again. I wouldn’t have necessarily called it daydreaming before reading Rest is Resistance. I’ve called it creativity whispers in some of my past blog posts, but I realize now that those whispers are the result of daydreaming, whether it’s happening intentionally or not. I’ve found that daydreams come to me now in my life, now that I’ve found a less stressful job and have carved out more time for rest in my days.
But Hersey argues we can all make room for daydreaming in our lives with a little effort. It could be as simple as scheduling 2, 10-minute breaks in your day. During these breaks, Hersey recommends getting away from screens, finding a comfortable chair or bed to rest on, closing your eyes if you want, and just letting your mind wander. See what comes up. You can even keep a rest journal where you write any insights down that may come up during this daydreaming time.
Not-to-do list
One of my personal favorite suggestions from Hersey of how to reimagine rest is to make a not-to-do list. The purpose of the not-to-do list is to remind us that our bodies and our worth are not tied to how many items we can check off a list.
One of the items on my not-to-do list is signing on or off of my work computer before 9 or past 5 (with of course the occasional exception for something like a client meeting or an important client deadline. Note that an acceptable excuse is NOT I’m worried about how my colleagues or boss will view me). Other items on my not-to-do list include eating lunch at my desk, being the first one to respond to a group email (work or personal) or speak up in a meeting, and saying yes if my body is saying no.
Recently, I’ve added scrolling on social media when I’m bored to my not-to-do list. You may remember back to a blog post I wrote about giving up social media. Since that post, I have slipped back in. Perhaps more than slipped, more like a deep dive. It’s especially hard to stay away when you have a blog and, as such, an online community. But as 2023 was coming to a close, I was starting to feel on edge about my social media use. I found myself mindlessly scrolling more than I was actively participating in community, and I wanted to reign myself in. Hersey’s book gave me the nudge I needed.
She writes A LOT about social media in the book, so it was hard to ignore. She writes that social media is an extension of capitalism. She reminds us of the harm social media is doing to mental health, especially for teen girls. She argues that one of the reasons we as a culture are not resting is because social media has eliminated our ability to exist with out it, keeping us addicted to and distracted by our screens.
She urges us to detox from social media and phones regularly, no matter how difficult. Although it takes planning and consideration, she argues it’s worth it. She writes that she found the first time she stepped away from social media that she didn’t miss it at all (which is exactly what I found the first time I did it). She writes that she “felt more human” and “began to float more,” sentiments I completely resonate with.
So, I made it a goal this year to give up social media again, which for me looks like not having the apps on my phone and going in only intentionally (at scheduled times to post content or check-in on friends). However, I know for me that I need to add an extra step. It’s not just about taking the apps off my phone. It’s giving myself something else to do when I’m bored, or when I have 10 minutes, and I have that knee-jerk reaction to reach for my phone. I need to reach for something else instead. It could be the rest journal that Hersey recommends. Something you can pick up and start jotting down thoughts in. For me, I am deciding to pick up my Mary Oliver book and read poetry, or pick up my phone but go to my Notes app where I keep a note for “writing ideas” and do some daydreaming in there for awhile.
There’s also a flip side to my social media goal. As 2023 drew to a close and I reflected on the year and thought about my goals for 2024, I realized I’ve also been craving more in-person community. I work from home, my colleagues keep to themselves, and I spend a lot of my non-work time writing for fun (including for this blog). In other words, my day-to-day is a bit isolating. A bit lonely. Yet, I’m also a very social being, and I know I need time to let the extroverted side of me out to play. Right now, pretty much the only way I get that outlet is through my church community, which is wonderful, but I’m craving more.
So, in 2024, I am planning some experiments! Right now, these include trying out in-person yoga (I currently have an at-home practice) to see if spending a little extra money on yoga classes might be worth it to meet more people, starting a new volunteer program, and trying out some different churches. Keep an eye on my Experiment Stories series for updates!
I know myself, and I know I can get carried away when it comes to what’s on my plate. When I get excited, I can take on too much. So, to make sure I’m also being restful while I start ramping up my experimenting, I’m going to make sure I’m being mindful. I’m going to listen to my body and hone in on what it needs. I’m going to have frequent check-ins with myself. I’m going to only add things to my plate that are a full body yes. And, when I add things, I’m going to check-in to see if I need to subtract something else.
Concluding thoughts
So, what does all this resting and experimenting I’m going to be doing mean for the blog? Who knows. What I can tell you is that I’m not going anywhere. This blog gives me a creative outlet I haven’t had since I was a little kid writing stories in my room at night. I love this blog in a way I’ve loved no other thing. It gives me immense joy, and as long as it continues to do that, I will continue to produce content. But I can also tell you that in 2024, I will write when I’m inspired, when ideas come to me. I hope that will mean even more content now that I’m prioritizing rest more. But perhaps it will mean that more creative ideas outside of the blog emerge from resting more, and I want to give myself the freedom to explore whatever comes up. I hope you’ll continue to read along on this journey with me, because you make it all the more sweeter.
For now, I leave you with this charge for 2024: rest as if your life depends on it.
But be forewarned! The more you rest, and the more you daydream, the more creative you may become. More resting and what comes from it could leave you craving a life much different from the one you’re living now. But, hey, that’s kinda what this blog’s all about! I don’t think you’d be here if you were opposed to the notion of a different life. But here’s the catch. I want you to consider this: dare to live that life.
Until next time – be well, my friends <3