As we push past Thanksgiving (in the US) and go barreling into the Christmas season, many of us will be thrown into social obligations and situations with friends, family, and loved ones. Some events we look forward to, others we may not. It can be mentally and physically exhausting to do all the things, fulfill all the responsibilities, and still stay true to ourselves. When we got back from our time away last week for Thanksgiving, Mr. Dink told me it was his favorite one ever in his life. I told him that I wasn’t surprised. Because for the first time in our adult, married lives, we did exactly what we wanted to do for the holidays. And not only that, but we did it without any guilt. We said no to the things we didn’t want to do, and yes to the things that spoke to our hearts.
When it comes to saying no, I feel that the FIRE (financial independence, retire early) community may be better at it than the general population. But if you’re like me, maybe you still struggle with actually saying the word. I’ve written in the past about how for me, it’s needing to get past the guilt when it comes to saying no, especially to friends and family. But today, I want us to explore more concretely how we can become better at saying no. After all, our time is precious, and we can’t protect it without saying no to people and things.
Currently, I am reading Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown. I am really loving it, and I have especially enjoyed the chapter (chapter 11) on saying no.
Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.
Josh Billings
The book revolves around explaining the difference between an Essentialist and a Nonessentialist, so that we can all learn how to be Essentialists. While Nonessentialists strive to be all things to all people, are always wanting more more more, and live unsatisfying lives, Essentialists do less but do it better, strive for the pursuit of less, and live lives with meaning (Greg McKeown literally writes “experiences joy in the journey” here, which you know speaks to my heart. I mean, just look at my tag line for this blog!).
I was hooked on this book from the very start, as the first chapter describes an overworked executive who discovers he can say “no” more often. He can set better boundaries to actually enjoy his job. He can choose himself more, and in turn, his work and life are better. If you’re a regular reader of the blog, you know how much this resonates with me (and if not, just read some of these linked posts! 😉
The whole book is fabulous, and I highly recommend it (and no, I’m not getting paid to say that!), but the chapter on saying no, and how we can get better at doing that, by far resonated the most.
It starts with knowing how you want to spend your time
According to Greg McKeown, the whole point of being an Essentialist is that you are intentional with how you spend your time, which I’ve written a lot about on the blog.
Our time is precious, and if we aren’t careful, others will take up all of it. But if we know exactly how we want to spend our time, and we’re intentional about this, we can maximize our time to spend it doing really only the things that are in alignment with our “why”.
For me, I feel like I’ve gotten this part down. I’ve done the inner work to discover how I want to spend my time. I’ve gotten good about setting my goals in alignment with my desire to live intentionally, to spend my time doing the things that bring me joy, and to live out my values.
But it doesn’t end there if we really want to live in a way that is aligned with our truest selves.
In order to spend our time doing the things we love, the things that we have decided are important to us, we have to be able to say no to things that aren’t in alignment with our values, and this can be really hard.
In today’s world, where there are so many demands on our time (from work, family, friends, etc.), it can be incredibly difficult to prioritize ourselves. It can be painful to say no.
In my case, what’s most difficult is feeling guilty, feeling like I’m letting others down who are asking me for things, for my precious time.
So this chapter in Essentialism on saying no was revolutionary for me, and I want to share some of the parts that I found most helpful in hopes that maybe you’ll find them helpful too.
Knowing your why
The more we think about what we are giving up when we say yes to someone, the easier it is to say no.
George McKeown, in his book Essentialism
I’ve discussed a lot on the blog how empowering it can be to figure out your why for financial independence. Turns out, knowing your why is really important for saying no as well. When we know our why, when we’re crystal clear on what it is we want and how it is we want to spend our time, it makes it a little easier when we’re put in the difficult situation of saying no.
Take this personal example. It’s simple, but I think it really gets the point across.
One of my whys for financial independence and gaining more time freedom is to be able to get outside in nature more often during the days and weeks. Once I downshift to part-time work or freelancing, one of my goals is to go on a long hike one weekday per week. For now, while I’m working a traditional 9-5, I use the precious free time I do have in my days to get out for a walk, typically 1-hour max (but it’s usually whatever I have time for). This is one of my non-negotiables, something I love that I feel lost without.
To maximize my time, when the weather is nice (aka, when there’s not snow on the ground), I walk right out the door in my neighborhood. This way, I don’t have to factor in drive time to get to a trail.
I’ve lived in this neighborhood for a few years now, and at this point, I’ve met a lot of my neighbors. If they see me out walking, they often want me to stop so we can chat and catch up for awhile. While this is lovely, my morning schedule is tight. Since I’m still in a 9-5, my mornings are my sacred time. I use them to work on this blog and to get my daily walk in. There’s often not a whole lot of wiggle room in my schedule.
I typically walk right before work, and so any elongated chatting with my neighbors could make me late. So, I often need to say no when they want me to stop for a chat. It is important to me to do this kindly and with grace, since I adore my neighbors and want to keep a good rapport with everyone.
Sometimes it’s easy to just keep going and give a wave. Other times I have to actively stop the conversation. It sounds silly, but I’ll often practice what I might say to my neighbors as I walk, in anticipation of the conversation. Examples include everything from “sorry, can’t chat today!” to “unfortunately, a chat won’t fit into my schedule today. Catch ya next time!” I typically don’t have to use them, but I feel better being prepared.
I can also choose to be intentional with my time if what my spirit actually needs that day is more human connection and less walking. In that case, I could choose, in the moment, to stay and chat and then take a shorter walk, which for me would mean to just turn around earlier than usual. I like knowing that this is an option if I decide in the moment I really do want to have a conversation.
Could I walk somewhere else? Sure. In the winter, when the sidewalks are covered in snow and a bit too treacherous, I drive 7 minutes to a trail by my house and walk there instead. But walking right out of my house and around my neighborhood is the best use of my time, and that’s what’s important to me! So, it’s worth it to me to risk having to say no so that I can maximize my time, and being confident in my “why” helps make it easier to say no.
Using humor
No is a complete sentence
Anne Lamott
Another of Greg McKeown’s tips in his book Essentialism is to use humor when saying no.
When reading this section, I immediately thought of an example of when someone else said no to me, with humor, and it worked really well on multiple levels.
I have been running a fantasy football league for our extended friends and family, going on about 5 years now. It has shifted over the years from mostly friends with a little family sprinkled in, to mostly family and some of the remaining die-hard friends that have shown deep commitment. At this point, we have a strong group of folks who really enjoy it and take it seriously. Most importantly, it brings us a TON of happiness.
When I was first getting started with this fantasy football league, I of course asked my brother if he wanted to join. I didn’t think he watched football much anymore, but we had always watched together as kids and I thought it might get him back into it, and give us another way to bond now that we lived farther apart.
His response to my text asking if he wanted to join? “Hard pass”.
I feel like that saying, “hard pass,” was just beginning to be popular at the time, but I could be wrong. Either way, we had gotten into the habit of using it amongst the 2 of us, and we loved it. It was joking, but firm, and it fit our personalities perfectly.
So, by using that saying as his response to my question, he kept the situation light hearted, but he was also firm in his answer. We both have similar guilty feelings when it comes to family obligations and feeling like we’re letting someone down. He knew that by saying no, he took the chance that my feelings would be hurt, and he knew there’d be a burden there that I’d have to find someone else to join the team. But he used humor to say no, get his point across, and stay true to himself.
But it goes even further than that. By telling me “no” in this humorous way, he was also able to give me valuable information that would help in the long run. By saying “hard pass”, he was letting me know that he wasn’t interested at all. While it may have seemed harsh to me at first (but that’s my own stuff), it was helpful to know that I shouldn’t ask him again another year. His answer to my initial question could have been something like “not this year,” “I’m too busy,” or “I don’t have time”. Sure, this would have softened the blow on my end, but it also wouldn’t have been the truth. It would have kept me hoping that he might join in a future year, only to ask again and have him give me another vague answer. That’s no good for either of us…
In the end, I was grateful to know that, without question, fantasy football was not something he was interested in. And instead, his response allowed me to find other family members who were really excited to join!
Finally, he also could have said yes to my request, even though his heart wasn’t in it, just to make me happy. This is likely what happened in the case of another friend who said yes, I’m sure with good intentions, but then proceeded to not take it seriously. This wasn’t fun for anyone (and let’s just say, that friend wasn’t invited back the next year 🙂
Closing thoughts
So, my friends, what can you say no to this holiday season? What isn’t serving you that you feel obligated to do? Can you get out of it? If so, I encourage you to take some time to consider your options for saying no. Could you use humor?
Honestly, I’ve found that I often work things up in my head that don’t end up playing out at all. I worry that I will be horribly offensive to someone by saying no, and it often doesn’t turn out that way at all.
Most importantly, when in doubt, remember your why! I’m here for you. And as Glennon Doyle says, “we can do hard things,” like saying no. Happy December!