As I shared on Instagram this week, I’m going to be changing jobs! It’s been quite busy around here, but I’m happy to have the decision behind me. I’m gearing up for a whole bunch of posts about work, life, and the decision. But since it’s still so new and fresh (and I haven’t had time to write these new posts yet), today I’m bringing you something different, some musings on our DINK (double income, no kids) status, how we check-in with each other about it, and how it relates to money. I hope you enjoy, and Happy Friday!
Even though Mr. Dink and I don’t have kids of our own, we love spending time with kids. And it feels like we’ve been doing it a lot lately (I guess we’re practicing for being a first-time aunt and uncle this summer!).
There’s really nothing like spending time with kids. Their sweet innocence and pure joy. Their awe and wonder at the world. Heck, Mr. Dink and I don’t even mind the inevitable tantrums!
There’s also nothing like spending time with old friends who’ve known you for awhile. No matter what’s going on in your life now, how much you’ve changed since childhood, the rapport with a friend who’s been on this life journey with you, who knows your background and has seen you change and grow, never ceases to amaze me.
Mr. Dink and I were with some friends like this last weekend, and we had a blast.
Remember my goal to prioritize friends and family this year? Well, when I connected via phone several months ago with an old friend and one whom I hadn’t talked to in ages, she straight-up asked me to come visit. At the time, I paused. I couldn’t help but remember my strong feeling that everything is better at home. And with me still working a 9-5, my weekends are precious. Did I want to use one to travel, stay in someone else’s house, someone else’s bed, with 2 kids, and a friend whom I’d lost touch with?
Why do we do this to ourselves? Immediately think about all the things that could go wrong, all the things we don’t like, instead of focusing on the potential for how much fun could be had?
This is something I want to get better at.
But because of my goal to spend more time with friends and family (and I really do love this friend, even though we had lost touch), and because I respected her for straight-up asking me to come visit her (how often do we beat around the bush these days, cancelling plans and making excuses??), I said YES.
At the time that we spoke and made these plans, it was cold and wintry in New England. We also didn’t want to mess with Easter (I was hosting, after all). So we picked the weekend after Easter, which arrived last weekend.
I’m not going to lie, the whole week leading up to the trip, I had at least one thought a day about making up some excuse not to go.
But we went, and I am so glad we did! We had so much fun. It was just like old times. This friend and I, we can talk about anything. We talk about SO many things.
And inevitably, because she currently has a 3.5-year-old and a 10-month-old, we talked about kids A LOT.
I’ve written before about our DINK (double-income, no kids) perspective.
As time passes and more and more of our friends are choosing to have kids, these friendships have adapted. We choose to put in the effort because we love our friends, and we enjoy being around kids.
But with this adaptation comes the inevitable questions of us. The questions around our decision NOT to have kids.
I don’t know about Mr. Dink, but I am pretty used to these questions now. Questions from new acquaintances about whether we want kids. Questions from our good friends about why we don’t. And the general comments, not so much questions, people bring forth when they first find out we don’t plan on having kids.
I used to get really uneasy in these situations. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to answer questions, and I didn’t know how to respond to comments. It made me quite anxious. Looking back, I think that mostly it was because I was insecure. I wasn’t as confident in myself, in my decisions. I was mostly listening to society’s messages for me instead of my own voice.
I feel like I’ve heard it all at this point.
How can you feel fulfilled if you don’t have kids?
You say that you don’t want kids now, but I’m sure you’ll change your mind.
Oh, your life is going to be sooo much easier without kids.
But at the same time, every time it comes up, it feels like a new experience. I’m still always surprised by the things I hear. And they don’t throw me off kilter as much as they used to.
Now, it’s so much easier to have these conversations because I know what I want. And I know there’s nothing wrong with me for not wanting kids.
Talking with my friend about kids was easy last weekend. And I realized I like talking about kids, about pregnancy, about being a mom, with friends. With the right friends. Friends who know me, love me, have my best interests at heart, and don’t judge me (or at least in a way that makes me feel shameful).
Because in reality, Mr. Dink and I talk about it all the time. Whenever we spend time with a kid, we talk about kids. We check-in with each other about how we’re feeling. Whether we want to have kids, whether we want to be parents.
I was thrilled to find a romantic partner who was on the same page as me when it came to kids, but honestly I didn’t expect to. Someone who felt the same way that I did: that we could see ourselves being a parent if our partner wanted kids, but otherwise, we didn’t have the innate desire to be a parent.
But because of this, we always expect the other to change their mind. And so we check-in about it quite often, and especially after spending time with kids.
We’ve gotten to the point where we can be really open and vulnerable with each other around this topic. It’s so nice for both of us to be able to be honest about how we’re feeling.
After this last trip, Mr. Dink could tell me that for the first time ever he had the thought when holding the 10-month-old that we could do this, we could make one of these. And he could also share that the feeling passed just as quickly as it came on.
And then I could share with him my go-to thought these days: that soon it’ll be too late to have one of our own, but it’s never too late to make a difference in a kid’s life. We’re going to be an aunt and uncle after all. We have all these friend’s kids that if we want, we can continue to be in their lives in whatever way we choose as they grow up.
These check-ins about kids have become paramount to how we design our lives. We know what we want, and our check-ins allow us to continue to make sure we are on the same page. Because we chose to live this life together. And for us, that means working to stay aligned.
There are so many parallels with money. These vulnerable conversations, these constant check-ins, are just as useful when the topic is money.
The more you know what you want, the more specific your goals are, the easier it is to save.
Whenever we see how other people spend their money, it causes us to pause and reflect. To check-in with each other. Just like we do when we spend time with kids.
It’s so easy to compare your spending, your money choices, to how others are choosing to spend. But what’s driving this comparison is capitalism, consumerism, society’s agenda. And comparison is the thief of joy. It’s so easy to look at someone else’s life and have that knee-jerk envious reaction.
But stop to think about it for a second. Do you really want what they want? Do you know your definition of enough?
The friends we visited have brand new cars. Are they shiny and fancy? Yes. But we know how much that shininess costs (our friends lease their cars, and they have since we’ve known them, so they’ll continue to have a car payment until they choose not to lease). Is this fine for them? Sure (although I don’t know their money situation). But do we value having shiny new cars? No. So, that’s not how we choose to spend our money.
We also got takeout for dinner during our visit, and we realized how nice it might be to live in a city where you can use DoorDash (we didn’t even know what this was before our visit…we looked up the food options for where we live? Only two – Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds). But when we reflected on our trip after the fact, we remembered how much we love to cook. And how much we love to go out to dinner as a special, rare occasion. These are the things we value, not having tons of takeout and delivery options (although I’m glad we experienced it!).
Just like we check-in with each other about kids, we also check-in with each other when we witness how other people spend their money. Checking in, talking about it out loud with someone who shares your values, helps keep us accountable. Serves as a reminder of what’s important to us. Helps clarify what our definition of enough is.
I saw something the other day on the socials about how budgets are meant to be adapted. Of course they are! Things change, jobs change, money coming in changes, priorities change.
Therefore, money stuff/budget stuff should be checked-in on regularly.
I place a special importance on money check-ins for me and Mr. Dink because of the way we run our household finances. We keep things separate. This system works for us, but it wouldn’t work if we never talked about money. We have to have check-ins, we have to be on the same page, for this system to work for us.
So we do something very similar to how we handle the “NK” part of the DINK equation. We nurture the “DI” just as much as the “NK” part. Because both are important to us. Both help make us the couple we are.
Don’t have a partner? No worries. You can absolutely do self-check-ins. In fact, I do these by myself as well. Because I have some different goals than Mr. Dink, and those deserve reflection too. Journal, meditate, find an accountability partner. Whatever works for you! Because as we say around here quite often, personal finance is just that: personal.
What would you add to the “regular check-in” list? What things besides money do you think it’s important to check-in with yourself, a partner, a friend, or a family member about? I’d love to hear from you!