Why I Still Struggle With Choosing Me (And What We Spent To Attend A Recent Wedding)

Hello, friends! Happy Friday! Mr. Dink and I are just getting back from attending the wedding of 2 of our very close friends. We had an absolutely fantastic time!

As we were getting ready for this wedding, and as I prepared to keep track of all my expenses so I could, of course, let my wonderful readers know all the juicy details of what we spent (this is a personal finance blog at its core, after all), I realized that I had never actually had to fly to a wedding on my own dime, as an adult. I’d always been able to drive. Or, if I flew, it was to attend a family member’s wedding and as such, the costs were much lower (ability to stay with friends and family, for example). 

I promise I will get into all the nitty gritty of what we spent to attend this wedding in the second half of the post (you can skip ahead if you’d like). But first, I want to write a few quick words on how leading up to this wedding made me realize why I still struggle with choosing me.

Long-time readers of the blog may remember a post I published over a year ago now called The First Time I Chose Me.

In that post (linked above), I wrote about a time in high school that I disappointed my basketball teammates and coaches when I spontaneously quit the team during my senior year and tried out for the school play. It felt quite wild at the time, but it was something I felt like I had to do…something that was calling to me. And it was the first time I let that feeling take control and be the guiding light, even though I felt so much guilt and anguish over having to disappoint people I cared about.

At the end of that post, I concluding with how this idea of “choosing me” is still a work in progress.

So, with this wedding we just attended, I found myself having to put “choosing me” into practice again. This time, with one of my most dear friends. In fact, she’s also my accountability partner I’ve often written about on the blog.

A few months ago, she asked me to stand up with her at her wedding. She was already having her sister and close friend involved, but she couldn’t imagine me not being up there too. And even though my body instantly tensed up when she asked, even though she told me I could take time to think about it, I of course said yes immediately. Because in my mind, now matter how I was feeling (and how was I even feeling anyway? What was my body trying to say?), how could I say no this? How could I let my dear friend down on the topic of her wedding day? When friends ask you to be in weddings, you say yes. 

But I had been here before, a bridesmaid in multiple wedding but also as someone with these tense feelings in her body she didn’t know how to process. In the past, I would have just shut these feelings out because of all the thoughts I described above (and trust me, I tried to shut them out this time too). 

But at this stage of my life, I’ve become a bit better at figuring out what these feelings mean. They are my body’s way of resisting, of trying to tell me I don’t want to do something, that my heart isn’t in it, that something isn’t aligned with my values. They are my body’s way of trying to be heard when my mind won’t listen…when my mind doesn’t want to feel guilty or disappoint anyone. My mind will sacrifice anything my body may be feeling to please others.

How often do we do things we don’t want to do for the sake of others’ feelings? Sometimes, we don’t have a choice. Or we choose to put aside our own feelings in certain situations. But other times, the question needs to be asked, what about our feelings?

I spent the rest of that week after saying “yes” with fluttering insides, while pretending everything was fine on the outside. In my mind, my thoughts told me everything was A-OK on repeat, while my body was fiercely resisting. Apparently, I’m not as good at hiding this as I think, and by the end of the week, Mr. Dink approached me. He knew something was up, and he asked me (actually, he begged me) to please talk about whatever was bothering me.

At first, I resisted. I didn’t want to say any of these guilty feelings out loud. Then, they’d be real. I didn’t want to admit what I was feeling. But, I eventually gave in. I told him everything I said above.

And what did he do? God love him, he gave me the permission I needed. We talked through everything, including how my feelings matter, how sometimes we have to make hard decisions to avoid disappointing ourselves, and how I could talk to the person I wanted to disappoint the least in the world right now, with love and kindness and humility, about her wedding day that I so wanted to be perfect for her.

It wasn’t easy, but I told my friend how I was feeling. And when I told her, do you know how she responded? With the most love and care I have ever received in such a situation. Because she loves me, and she knows me, and she’s my accountability partner. Instead of being upset, she was proud that I “chose me”. She said that her wedding was one day, and our friendship was for a lifetime. Why was I surprised? I don’t know, but it was the greatest gift she could ever give me. I should have known because I’ve surrounded myself with only the best people at this stage of my life. But I’m still a work in progress. 

I’ve gotten pretty good at choosing me with almost everything in life, except when it comes to the people I love.

It reminds me of one part in the book I’ll Be You by Janelle Brown that I read recently. The protagonists are twins, and there’s this part where one of the twins is narrating that she chose to do the ONE thing that she wanted to do the LEAST in this world (acting) so that she wouldn’t disappoint her sister, her favorite person in the world.

I felt this line to my core. I hate disappointing people I love.

No matter how much evidence I get that the people I love support me and my decisions, that I don’t need to feel guilty (like when my mom and dad were nothing but understanding when I told them we wanted to get married anyway, just the 2 of us, during the pandemic), I’m still convinced I’ll let the people most important to me down when I choose me.

The fact of the matter is, I know what is right for me, even if it feels horrible. I need to trust myself more, and use my trust in myself to quiet the guilty feelings that never end up being necessary.

When you have the right people in your life, they will understand.

So now I want to say to anyone who this resonates with the advice I wish someone had told me: in order to live your best life, especially your best slow FI life, keep choosing you. You can’t go wrong. As long as you’re choosing yourself, you’ll always come out with your head above water. And most importantly? You won’t disappoint yourself.

Ok, that’s enough about that! Time to transition to finances (and for those who skipped right to here, welcome!). I know you all want to hear what we spent, so I won’t delay any further.

What we spent

I won’t leave you in suspense, dear readers. The grand total of what we spent to travel from Vermont to North Carolina for 2 nights for a wedding was…

$2,045

When I first tallied it all up, I for sure had some sticker shock. But to put it into perspective, $2000 is the amount I put into my brokerage (non-taxable) investment account every month. So one way to think about it is that I spent the money instead of putting it into savings for one month. Let me tell you, it was worth it! And for us, this is what our slow FI journey is all about. Making certain choices in alignment with our values to live our best lives NOW, not some day in the distant future.

Ok, let’s get to the fun stuff. Let’s break our spending down by category.

Transportation

In this category, we spent a total of $1003.56. Almost half of our total spending!

This included:

$812.80 for airfare: 2 economy class tickets with 1 layover each way (it’s almost impossible to find a direct flight from the small Burlington International Airport we use, unless you’re going to some place like New York. But if that was the case, we would just drive!). The plane tickets were a bit more than I hoped to spend, but we decided to pay a little bit extra than the cheapest of the cheap prices for convenience of travel time. Although we decided not to leave on Friday as originally planned to save on cost, we still felt like we were away enough to enjoy a little mini vacation. We arrived in North Carolina at 10:30 am on Saturday (sure, we had to leave our house at 3 am, but it was worth it), had all day Saturday to enjoy, then all day Sunday before the evening wedding, and we had a reasonably timed flight on Monday so that we didn’t have to get up too early and yet got home to Vermont early enough to get ready for work the next day!

$60.96 for airfare insurance: I almost NEVER opt for this, but due to all that is going on in the world (especially COVID-19), I decided it was worth it to purchase. And I’m so glad we did! Mr. Dink and I came down with COVID-19 for the first time a few weeks before the wedding. Even though we ended up being fine and clear as far as the timing went, I was relieved knowing that we would have been covered if we couldn’t go due to illness (I made sure to check the policy).

$36.00 for airport parking ($12/day x 3 days): We live almost an hour from the airport in Vermont, and rather than arrange an expensive car service and rely on someone else, I prefer to pay the price to park right at the airport. It is incredibly convenient since it is a very small airport. It also helped that we were only traveling for 3 days, but I’ve even found it worth it when traveling for longer durations.

$86.60 total spent on Uber rides: We stayed right in the city of Durham, North Carolina, where the wedding was held. Therefore, we didn’t need to rent a car, and could walk almost everywhere. The total includes the 2 most expensive Uber rides of $30 to and from the airport, and a couple of shorter Uber rides to places we didn’t want to walk (a trip to Duke Gardens, and a trip back to the hotel from the wedding – but we decided to walk TO the wedding).

Accommodations

We spent a total of $593.81 to stay in a hotel in downtown Durham for 2 nights. I knew exactly where I wanted to stay ahead of time, as the bride and I used to work together for a company based in Durham, and this was the hotel the company would put us up in whenever we traveled to the office. So, it had a special place in my heart. I did run into a bit of a snafu when I first booked our hotel. I thought I went to the hotel’s website and clicked on reservations, but it must have sent me to a 3rd party site, where I reserved the hotel but was charged $709.83 to my credit card immediately. For 2 nights. Something seemed fishy, and sure enough when I got the confirmation email there were over $200 in “fees” attached to my bill. It took me several frustrating phone calls and almost an hour on the phone to sort it all out (ultimately, I had to cancel that reservation and book with someone over the phone). Next time, I would take the time to call and speak with someone directly instead of reserving online.

Because we didn’t have a car, we didn’t have to pay for hotel parking, which would have been $40 a night.

We were SO glad we did it this way and stayed where we stayed, right in the city, so we could walk or Uber everywhere. We met several people at the wedding who stayed further away and had to rent a car. Overall, we felt like we were able to save some money this way (although maybe those hotels were cheaper).

Food

We spent a grand total of $418.44 on food for the whole trip, including alcohol. Honestly, while this feels high to me, I’m not surprised because we LOVE food, and this is an area we like to spend without worry on vacation. We definitely try not to be wasteful, but we aren’t penny pinching when it comes to food on vacation. When we’re looking at menus, we’re not comparing entrees by price, we’re comparing them by how much joy they will bring us!

This category also includes some airport food, which is something I hate spending money on but is sometimes unavoidable. We did a great job on the way down to North Carolina because we were coming from home and could be prepared with food/snacks. However, the same wasn’t true on the way home, so we ended up buying lunch at the airport. Luckily, we had a quick layover, so we spent less than we would have for a sit down meal if we’d had more time.

In addition to meals out, this category also includes a trip to the market right next to our hotel to get some snacks for the hotel room and a beer to split while we got ready for the wedding.

This category also would have been much higher had there not been an open bar at the wedding, so shoutout to the bride and groom for their generosity, as well as their fabulous selection of vendors. The food was incredible, some of the best I’ve ever had at a wedding!

Free fun

While we spent a bit lavishly on food, we saved in the entertainment category. We would much rather be walking around the town, looking at the architecture and taking in the fresh air, than paying for experiences (although we are not opposed to that in some situations, of course). Our entertainment of choice on this trip was to go to Duke Gardens. I had been once before with the bride, and I knew Mr. Dink would love it. I tried not to hype it too much and influence his expectations, and it worked. While he was skeptical, he said it exceeded his expectations. It was the perfect way to spend our afternoon before the wedding! Highly recommend if you’re in the area and looking for some free fun.

Some accessories for me

Mr. Dink and I both wore outfits to the wedding we already had. However, it had been a long time since I’d been to a fancy wedding, so I decided to splurge on a new pair of shoes and a purse for the occasion. I bought a $20 pair of flats and a $15 handbag at TJMaxx, both of which I ended up loving and will wear again. 

Arriving home

Finally, I’ll say as one last cost-saving tip, we refrained from ordering takeout when we got home after a weekend away, being an hour drive from the airport, and having to work the next day. Even though we got home at 5 pm and could have easily just ordered takeout, we really wanted to eat a home-cooked meal as well as set ourselves up with at least some food for the week. On our drive home from the airport, we did some meal planning in the car, stopped at our hometown grocery store together (only ~5 min out of the way), and had an easy dinner of salmon, rice, and vegetables.

Final thoughts

Could we have spent a considerable amount less than $2,045 on this trip? Absolutely. But in living out our best slow FI lives, we save in other areas so we can spend without guilt on things and experiences we value. We had a lot of talks on the way home about how, to us, this experience was an example of spending on our values. We saw 2 of our closest friends get married, we achieved a mini-vacation getaway, and we ate lots of great food, all things we value highly. We wanted to have a great time (and did!) and not stress too much about money. Goal achieved!

And speaking of values, another thing we realized from this trip (and from our recent vacation via car travel) is that we still strongly dislike plane travel. We are currently in the early planning stages of a belated honeymoon/40th bday trip for Mr. Dink, and we’re actually considering spending a little bit more to get 1) a direct flight and/or 2) fly first class. Stay tuned on that!

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Thanks for reading! What do you think? Did we spend less or more than you expected? What’s the most you’ve ever spent to attend a wedding?

P.S. I write A LOT on this blog about slow FI, a term coined by The Fioneers blog, and I was featured on their slow FI interview series this week! It was an honor to be interviewed, and we discussed how to make work WORK for you, and how I’ve still been able to focus on a slow FI lifestyle while working full-time. You can check out the entire post here. Let me know what you think!