Mr. Dink and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary last weekend! If you’re quick with math, you may have already realized that, yes, we had a COVID wedding. On Christmas of 2019, we sent out save the dates for September 19, 2020. The pandemic may have changed our original wedding plans, the months leading up to September 19th may have been an incredibly stressful time, and we may have had to make some really hard decisions, but we didn’t let COVID-19 ruin what was important to us about our wedding. The fact that we had taken the time to really think about what mattered to us, what our values were around our wedding, ended up being our savior. Looking back on how our wedding(s) turned out, we don’t regret a thing.
I’ve written previously about intentional spending and spending in alignment with goals and values, so it may not be surprising that I give all the credit to the fact that we spent intentionally, and we made decisions based on our values, when it came to the “big day”. Intentional spending was the main factor that helped us financially survive our COVID-stricken wedding.
Being put in the situation of a COVID wedding would have been so much worse if we hadn’t been solid on our values. Luckily, we had already made most of the decisions about our wedding when life as we knew it shut down. After realizing that the world wasn’t going to open back up in a few weeks the way everyone thought it would, we had to make some really tough decisions. Over time, deep down, we knew exactly what we wanted to do, what decisions we wanted to make. Because we were solid in our values. But the hard part was telling others what we wanted to do. And, for me especially, dealing with the guilt that surrounded making those decisions.
But, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me back up a bit.
The early wedding-planning days
Mr. Dink and I got engaged on Labor Day Weekend of 2019. We decided we didn’t want to wait too long to get married, so (luckily, in retrospect), we started looking into venues immediately. We, like most people, felt that the venue was the most important piece of wedding planning, and once we had the place and the date, we could relax a bit. Looking back, we are super thankful that we had most of the big pieces of the wedding planned out before the pandemic hit.
The budget
A brief note on our wedding budget, for transparency.
Mr. Dink and I knew we wanted to spend some money on our wedding, but we also knew we didn’t want to go crazy. Although we’re not huge fans of budgets, we knew we needed to be mindful of our wedding spending. But we felt that if we spent in alignment with our values, and were mindful about what things were costing, we would be ok. We liked the idea of splurging on certain things that were important to us, and saving in areas that weren’t.
After we had an initial conversation about wedding spending that resulted in the above thoughts, we were fortunate to receive a set amount of money from my parents that we weren’t expecting. They told us the number that they would give us, and they said we could do whatever we wanted with it. If we didn’t end up using it all for the wedding, we were free to use the rest however we chose. We were incredibly grateful for this freedom that came with their gift (especially as we navigated 2 weddings over 2 years).
We ultimately ended up using the total number received from my parents ($20K US) to help us set our budget, less of a strict cap and more along the lines of a number that we could use as a guide. Because we knew we had that money available to use, we were able to make decisions about our wedding, also based on our values, accordingly. Whatever cost went above that would be on us, and so it was helpful to have a set number. Because Mr. Dink’s parents weren’t forthcoming with any information along the lines of wedding money, we simply didn’t plan for any additional outside money coming in. Anything they decided to give down the line would just be considered an added bonus.
The things we valued the most
With our ballpark number in mind, we turned wedding planning into high gear. We started to solidify what mattered the most when it came to our wedding, which enabled us to spend mindfully.
Having the ceremony at my church
As I wrote on the blog last week, I go to church. Church has become a huge part of my adult life as well as my slow FI journey. Ever since I started going to this church in a nearby town, I knew I wanted to get married there.
The best part? Mr. Dink was completely on board! Now, Mr. Dink is not religious, and he doesn’t come to church with me. But, he loves me and he knows how important my church is to me. I was a little nervous asking him if he’d consider getting married there, and he didn’t even bat an eye.
We knew the logistics of this decision would create some strain, a less-than-ideal situation of folks having to drive from the ceremony at the church to wherever we held the reception, but it was worth it to us because it was something we valued deeply.
A one-stop-shop venue that was close to home
When it came to our venue, we had two priorities. First, we wanted it to be close to home, or at least within our community. We envisioned our guests getting to know the place where we live as part of the wedding experience: our community, what we love to do, how we live, etc.
Second, we wanted it to be as close to a one-stop-shop venue as possible, meaning that they would take care of everything (or, almost everything). Mr. Dink and I did not care much about many of the little details that come with selecting a venue (the look of the tables, chairs, lighting, colors, linens, etc.), so we wanted a venue that could take care of all of that for us (and importantly, didn’t care that we didn’t care).
At first, we thought we might be able to check off these two boxes by having the reception at the church (and we would have been able to save a ton of money this way). But, we would have likely needed/decided to hire a wedding planner (and let’s be real, when they reminded me that there could be no alcohol on the premises, we knew we’d be looking elsewhere).
We also thought we might be willing to be a little more lenient on the one-stop-shop aspect if the venue had particular sentimental meaning.
For example, the first venue we looked at was a farm where Mr. Dink (who is a carpenter) had worked and helped build many of the buildings on the property. He had taken part in building the barn where the ceremony would have been held, as well as the guest house where people stayed. We loved the idea of having our wedding at a venue that Mr. Dink had helped build.
It was a beautiful location, with beautiful mountain views. But we quickly learned that it wasn’t fully aligned with what we wanted. For one, we’d have to give up the idea of a one-stop-shop venue, or hire a wedding planner to do everything for us. Although we considered this, the real kicker was the price, and the fact that most of the price was due to the use of the guest house, which didn’t really suit our needs. Mr. Dink and I planned to spend our wedding night at our own home in our own bed, and with each of us having divorced parents, there was no way we were putting them all up in one shared house for our wedding (although we did have several good laughs picturing how that might go).
Next up, we looked at a local alpaca farm wedding venue. It also had a beautiful view, and it was run by a lovely couple in our community. However, we ultimately realized that this venue, too, didn’t quite align with our values and what we were looking for. Although it was technically still in our community, it was quite far from town. Guests would be invited to camp on the property if they wished. And, like the previous venue, there was also a guest house that we didn’t think would be comfortable for our parents to stay. We quickly decided that, had we been in our 20s, this would have been the venue for us. A party in the country. But in our mid-30s, it didn’t feel right. If people didn’t want to camp, they’d have to drive far to get back to their accommodations, after already having to drive to the venue from the church.
For us, the 3rd time was the charm. While looking at the first two venues, we had planned to meet with our local inn to discuss catering. However, during our meeting, they painted us an alternative picture that we didn’t even know was an option. They said that yes, they are often recognized for their catering, but they also host weddings right there at the inn. If we had the wedding at their inn, they would take care of everything (all those tiny logistical details I was talking about earlier), AND the food would be a sit-down dinner with a menu. We couldn’t believe it. We had never been to a wedding like this, and we didn’t even know it was an option. And it was actually cheaper than having them cater elsewhere, because they got to use their kitchen and all the linens and dishware that they already had. Mr. Dink and I LOVE food, and we love fancy dinners. The thought of our guests being able to have a sit-down dinner, to choose what they want the night of the wedding (instead of on a card months in advance), and also to be able to stay at the inn if they chose to do so, solidified this choice as our perfect venue. Oh, and the inn is within walking distance from our house! It ticked all of our values-based boxes, and we knew immediately it was the one.
The best possible food experience
Mr. Dink and I have been to a lot of weddings, and we always remember the food, good or bad. Add that to the fact that we love food, and cooking together is one of our favorite pastimes, and the food experience at our wedding was one of our top priorities.
Not only did we love the fact that our venue would provide us and all of our guests with a sit-down dinner, but we also learned how much we could have a say in the process. We had several meetings to go over the food, and Mr. Dink and I got to really be involved in the process of choosing meals. The venue wanted to hear what we liked, and they even let us provide some recipes for them to try to recreate. And they of course used their knowledge and experience to tell us when they didn’t think something would work well. They helped us create the local, community feel we were so desperately craving.
Plenty of booze
Mr. Dink and I love a good cocktail, as well as craft beer. If our guests were coming to our community to celebrate our marriage, we wanted them to experience all that Vermont has to offer when it comes to drinks and food. However, this was an area where we also wanted to be mindful with money. We knew that an open bar could completely derail our budget and lead to us spending way more money than we had anticipated. We decided that we could have the best of both worlds, that we could design a drink menu on a budget.
We originally decided on a keg of one of our favorite local beers, and 2 “specialty” cocktails, one of which we designed (a bourbon and cider with cider from our local apple farm). Then, we would have plenty of bottles of wine for anyone who didn’t want beer or a cocktail. We also decided to forgo a champagne toast because we don’t typically love those ourselves, it’s actually quite a big expense, and we know not everyone likes champagne. And, as I’ve always wondered, what’s wrong with toasting with the drink you have in your hand already?
We felt like we had the perfect plan for providing alcohol without breaking the bank. Then, as happens sometimes in life, plans change. After we had made all of our drink decisions, Mr. Dink’s mom came swooping in at the last minute (during the food tasting, to be exact) and announced that she’d like to pay for an open bar. The added bonus of not counting on money from parents for a wedding has arrived 🙂
Music
The last big-ticket item we valued and wanted to splurge on was music. Mr. Dink has a sprawling and wide passion for music, and he’s particular. I, on the other hand, didn’t care much at all about what music was playing at our wedding, as long as we had some. So, I supported his decision, which was to have a live band at our wedding. We have a friend who is the lead singer for a local band, and they are beloved in our community. (Fun fact: I learned at the wedding that the man playing drums was also the local jeweler who had resized my ring. I love my small town).
So, how did it all turn out?
Because we were so clear on our values and what we wanted our wedding to be like before COVID hit, we were able to weather the storm. The foundation had been set for catastrophe. We simply took things one step at a time, one day at a time.
Thanks to COVID, we basically had two weddings. We decided to keep our original date of September 19, 2020. Mr. Dink and I officially got married at my church with just my brother and sister-in-law in attendance. Then, 1-year later, we had our reception. Many difficult decisions went into that plan, but looking back on it now, we don’t regret a thing. I actually ended up being so relieved by the way it all worked out. I never really wanted the huge wedding, the stress that goes with that, and so I joke that because of COVID, I got what I never knew I really wanted: an intimate wedding ceremony with just the two of us, and a separate party with all my friends and family.
When we realized things wouldn’t be able to go on as planned, our first course of action was to sit down with the venue (outside, of course, with plenty of distance). Because they were people in our local community, we trusted them, and we had many heart-to-hearts. They were able to tell us that their business was struggling, and they didn’t know how they were going to make ends meet. At the same time, they would give us our deposit back if that’s what we wanted. And we were able to make the tough decision and take the risk that we would, in fact, one day at LEAST want to have a party, and so we in good faith let them keep our deposit.
There was so much pressure originally, from family, about the wedding. No one wanted to admit that COVID was actually here to stay in those early days. Everyone thought “everything will be fine by September”, and the pressure made me so anxious. But the whole time, I knew deep down that we would have to postpone the celebration (there were still no vaccines available yet). I trusted my gut, and once we actually made the decision and told people we were postponing, everyone was relieved and understood.
By far the worst decision we had to make was telling our parents they couldn’t come to our ceremony. With Mr. Dink’s dad in Florida, and no way he would be traveling and risk getting COVID for our wedding, we decided that if one parent wasn’t coming, none of them could. It was almost unbearable telling my mom, but all of our parents were incredibly supportive and gracious with the news. For that, we’ll be forever grateful. We tried to make the day fun for them. My sister-in-law texted them live updates and pictures all day, and they said they felt like they were right there with us.
What about other wedding spending?
So you may be wondering, if we spent mostly in alignment with our values, what was our spending like in some of the other categories, some of the other big-ticket items that typically eat up a wedding budget?
Rings
Mr. Dink proposed to me with his grandmother’s ring. I loved it so much I wanted no other ring. My grandparents had recently passed when I met Mr. Dink, and his grandmother filled a hole in my heart I didn’t know I had. I was so grateful to get to know her and spend quality time with her before she passed, and I was and still am honored to wear her ring.
Not soon after the proposal, I was gifted my grandmother’s wedding band. Now, I have two of the strongest most badass ladies with me every day, everywhere I go.
With Mr. Dink being a carpenter, we spent a lot of time researching what would be the right ring for the job. Ultimately, he ended up with a $50 silver ring that he will have no problem replacing if he loses it or needs to have it cut off.
Wedding dress and suit
I didn’t care all that much about my wedding dress. I just wanted something I felt great in. I had no ideal what style I might want, so my sister-in-law went with me to David’s Bridal one day to try dresses on. The thought was that I would find a style I liked, then head on over to the good old interwebs to find something similar for a reasonable price.
Much to my disbelief, when I tried the last dress of the day on and came out of the fitting room, my sister-in-law started crying. I felt like a princess in this dress. And I knew Mr. Dink would love it. The associate at the store then told me that it was the last dress of its size and it was $250. I didn’t think twice. I thank the magical wedding fairies for that one!
Because I saved so much on my dress, I decided to splurge on having my mom’s old wedding dress made into a cape. She told me I could do whatever I wanted with her old dress, and I surprised her with the result. The look on my mom’s face (and the tears that ensued) was worth every penny.
Mr. Dink did decide to splurge on a suit, so we didn’t penny-pinch in that regard. He always wanted a fancy suit, and he wanted to get something he could wear again and again. He spent about $1500 on the suit and the tailoring.
Flowers
Flowers were another aspect to our wedding that we didn’t care deeply about.
When we got married just the two of us during COVID, I asked my neighbors who run my CSA (community supported agriculture, also fondly known as a “farm share”) if they or anyone else they knew made bouquets (part of their farm share is a pick-your-own flowers option). They put me in touch with another CSA member, who offered to do it for free. I gave her our vegetable share one week instead.
When we had the wedding reception one year later, Mr. Dink’s mom decided she wanted to do the flowers. She had done flowers for many a dinner party as well as for local garden club events, and she insisted she wanted to contribute to our wedding in this way. She used my pick-your-own flower option through my CSA, as well as some of her own and her neighbors’ flowers. Our guests raved about them, and she was happy as a clam. Win win!
Photography
For us, hiring a photographer was one of those middle-of-the-road important aspects of our wedding. We didn’t want to spend a ridiculous amount on a photographer. We are not big picture people. We don’t love having our picture taken, and we aren’t that couple who are going to look at our wedding pictures every day (we still haven’t even re-watched our video recording). But we did want some photos of the occasion (as well as a video for our family who couldn’t be there in 2020).
After looking at a couple of options and prices, we had a long talk with my sister-in-law, who loves photography as a hobby. She really wanted to do this for us, and said it would be a great way for her to practice and build her portfolio, but we were worried she wouldn’t be able to enjoy herself at our wedding (either of them). After lots of back and forth, and talking everything out, we went for it, had her photograph our weddings, and we couldn’t be happier. We got the photos we wanted, and she is now, 2 years later, making money off of her photography as a side hustle. And my brother took the video 🙂
No wedding parties
Last but not least, not having a wedding party was something Mr. Dink and I were aligned on from the early days of wedding planning. Neither of us had particularly enjoyed being in weddings in the past, from a financial perspective (I recently wrote about a particularly poor experience at a bachelorette party).
I could write an entire post all about spending as a member of a wedding party (maybe I’ll do that some day!). For the purposes of this post, all you need to know is that this decision was an easy one for us. It’s just not what we wanted. We couldn’t fathom the stress or spending that would come with having a wedding party. Sure, we felt confident we could do it on a budget. But I couldn’t handle the guilt or stress of having all my friends pay for things they didn’t need to pay for. Looking back, I’m glad we didn’t, because plans would have been changed anyway due to COVID!
Mr. Dink and I went camping just the two of us in place of a bachelor/bachelorette party. And my brother, sister-in-law, and mother surprised us with a small shower when we were all camping in southern Vermont. It rained, it poured, we drank champagne, and it was glorious (that was also where I surprised my mom with the wedding cape made from her dress).
Biggest lesson learned
There you have it. Because Mr. Dink and I had mindfully and intentionally discussed what we valued when it came to our wedding, we were able to spend in alignment with those values and not break the bank by having 2 weddings, thanks to COVID.
My biggest takeaway from this COVID wedding experience is similar to another theme of the personal finance/financial independence community. Your spending is your own. What matters to you, what you value, won’t be the same as for everyone else. And that is ok! The gift that financial freedom brings is the ability to spend mindfully on things that matter to you. Not to spend wastefully to keep up with the Jonses.
Don’t listen to anyone else. Trust your gut. Listen to what it is you want, and spend accordingly. Because no one gets to live your life but you.
This is easier said than done, of course. But it was my biggest lesson from this experience. The main stressor I had when it came to our COVID wedding fiasco was worrying what everyone else would think. Ultimately, deciding what we wanted and sticking to it was the best thing we could do – for ourselves and for our budget.
I could write so much more about our COVID weddings, but this post is already long enough! I’d love to hear from you – if anything resonated or you have any questions, drop a comment below!