A few weeks ago, we celebrated my niece’s first birthday! I can’t believe how fast this past year went. It has been such a joy to watch her grow into the smiley, social 1-year-old that she is.
I haven’t written much about the NK (no kids) portion of my DINK status recently. But as I head into my late 30s, it’s on my mind often. So, in honor of my niece’s first trip around the sun, I thought it would be nice to reflect on how I’ve been feeling about the “no kids” component of our DINK lifestyle.
In this original post on the topic, I shared my feelings surrounding being one member of a DINK (double income, no kids) household and some of my thoughts around being child-free by choice.
One thing I didn’t mention in that post was how unsure I felt about whether having a niece would change anything.
I have pretty much always known, deep down in my bones, that I didn’t want to birth children of my own. That feeling has only gotten stronger in adulthood and as I’ve experienced more and more of life. Seeing friends and family have kids, then finding a loving partner with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with – none of these life events that I thought might change my stance on kids actually did.
Having a niece was (in my opinion) the last test. My one and only brother, my friend and confidant, the person who has been the closest to me throughout my life, brought a human being into this world. One who would share lots of my DNA. One who I would love with all my heart. I couldn’t help but wonder how this would change things when it came to wanting children of my own.
I’ve known for quite some time now that I was going to be an aunt, in one way or another. My brother met his now wife when they were in college together, and she’s always told me she wants kids. It seemed inevitable that I’d get to be an aunt in one way, shape, or form.
But they waited a really long time to have kids. A long enough time that I started to realize this might be the last test of my child-free choices. How was I going to be changed by this little human coming into my life, whom I would love as part of my family? Would she change everything I thought I had known about myself and my wants and desires when it comes to kids?
The messages I kept getting from society didn’t help my doubts either. In fact, people kept telling me it would happen, that I would most certainly change my mind. It is by far the most common response I get when I tell people I don’t want kids, followed very closely by “you’re next” or “you’ll change your mind once you’re an aunt.”
But just like many things in life (and especially for those of us in the financial independence/FI community), what society says often does not go. In order to be free and live our best lives, we have to ignore what society is telling us we should do and follow our true north. But still, sometimes it’s hard to quiet the doubts that society and others put into our minds. And this was one of those instances for me. I honestly didn’t know how it would go.
Drum roll, please
But I’m here to tell you, one year after my niece’s birth, having her come into this world and being an aunt hasn’t changed my DINK status one bit.
What I can tell you is that I love my niece so much more than I could have ever imagined. I’ve been shocked and amazed by the amount of additional joy she has brought into my life. My heart literally feels like an expanding bubble that might burst any second whenever I see her or think about her.
And yet, even with all this love and heart bursting, I still have absolutely zero desire to birth a child of my own. In fact, being an aunt has made me even more sure about my stance.
In a way, my niece has gifted me a serendipitous experiment. Although I didn’t choose for her to come into the world to serve as a test of my child-free status, she came into my life anyway and provided a small, unexpected experiment.
I’ve kept to my goal of seeing her at least once a month. I wish it could be more, but it has also been perfect. Her face lights up whenever auntie and uncle walk into a room. She knows us. She remembers us. Mr. Dink and I can’t wait to continue to watch her grow. We can’t wait to see who she’ll be. What she’ll be. What will be important to her in this messy, wonderful world.
But ultimately, her presence hasn’t changed anything for us in terms of our decision not to birth a child of our own. It hasn’t made us want our own child like everyone said it would. We talk about the topic often, and nothing has changed. We love our niece more than we ever could have imagined, and that’s that.
Mothering in other ways
While we’ve been relishing the aunt and uncle life, Mr. Dink and I have also been living another big, intentional experiment in regard to our DINK status this past year. Although I’ve always known I likely didn’t want kids of my own, I have always been drawn to mothering in other ways, like for example, being a foster parent.
This is obviously a huge step and one Mr. Dink has never felt called to do. So this is where experimentation really comes in handy. Since even I have never wanted to jump right into fostering, I suggested that we host an exchange student as an experiment. This idea, understandably, still felt like too much for Mr. Dink. For an experiment of that nature, not only would we be trying out the idea of somewhat parenting a kid, they’d also be living with us. After much discussion, we realized we needed to separate the two: “parenting” from sharing a living space. We discovered that what we wanted was to see what it felt like to have some responsibility for a kid, without having them live with us. Our home is our sanctuary, our precious space where we can be 100% ourselves, and we’re just not ready to bring someone else into it right now.
So, I found a program at the local college where folks can serve as “hosts” for international students. It’s a very informal program. The student does not live with you (they live on campus), and you don’t have any financial responsibility for them. The idea is that you provide emotional support to them in whatever way works for you: by taking them to do things, showing them the area, having them over for dinner, etc.
It sounded like the perfect experiment to me, and when I proposed the idea to Mr. Dink last summer, he agreed.
To our delight, this has indeed been the PERFECT experiment for us in this “parenting” aspect of our lives. We love our relationship with our international student, who is 18, young and fierce, calls us “mum and dad” and who desperately wanted a host family. But even this smallest of experiments has taught us a lot and has, at times, been challenging and demanding.
It’s definitely taken some getting used to. We’ve gotten better at feeling uncomfortable sometimes and going with the flow. Even just her calling us mum and dad was unexpected and a little strange for us at first. We’ve had to get used to feeling guilty when we can’t always be around or answer her every call. She asks for a lot of help with getting around town (she doesn’t have a car), and we can’t always say yes due to our work schedules. She’s not afraid to ask for things, sometimes big things, so we’ve had to get really good at setting boundaries (still a work in progress) and having difficult conversations. She even asked if she could live with us for the summer (she’s not supposed to do this, but she did it anyway, because, you know, she’s a kid!).
It’s been challenging but also at the same time fun to navigate (because Mr. Dink and I are in it together). We’re ultimately so happy with our decision to do this experiment. To us, it’s been 100% worth it to put up with the occasional discomfort and having to have a difficult conversation in order to be in this woman’s life who we adore and are inspired by. Plus, she always takes “no” really well and is so polite, so it’s really just us that have to get used to the guilt that comes with saying no.
Perhaps most importantly, this experiment has also taught us that we’re pretty happy with what we’ve got right now, as far as the “parenting” part of our lives goes. Neither one of us feels much desire anymore to host an exchange student or be a foster parent. I used to feel this calling A LOT when I was single. Now, for me at least, that calling has quieted, while other things have gotten louder (like my hospice volunteering journey and wanting to spend more time with my niece).
So for now, we feel that we’ve found the sweet spot of fulfillment with this aspect of our lives, between spending time with our niece and our international student. This is the beauty of experimentation!
In conclusion – a note about FI
One of the hardest parts for me about living out the “no kids” portion of my DINK status has been the loneliness. In my opinion at least, the choice to not have kids has at times resulted in me being super lonely. The majority of people I come across don’t seem to understand people like me who actively choose not to have kids. No one likes to talk about the topic either – it’s very taboo.
It’s been difficult to make friends in my community overall. I’ve noticed that a lot of the free local events around town are geared toward families with children, and so I miss out on that excuse as a way to go out and meet people. There aren’t a lot of opportunities to go out and meet people naturally (if you have any suggestions, please, send them my way!). Mostly, I meet other women with kids, and I’ve found it hard to connect with them. Sometimes I wonder if this is because moms perceive a sort of “other,” non-shared connection with people like me.
Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to have several close friends, but none of them live in my town. Lately, I’ve been craving a close-proximity friend, one I can call up on a whim and within 30 minutes notice might be open to grabbing dinner or drinks or coming over for a glass of wine and a chat.
And so, like I often feel on my FI journey, it can get lonely. Just like with FI, when you’re doing something for you, choosing you, and going against the grain of society, it can be a lonely road. It can be lonely not having kids when it feels like everyone else is, just like it’s sometimes lonely not spending money when it seems like everyone else is.
So, how do we fight the loneliness? In my experience, it’s the same as fighting the loneliness that sometimes comes with the FI lifestyle. We fight it by focusing on our values, what’s important to us. When we live into our truths, the right people, the right friendships, the right relationships come into our lives. It may not happen quickly, and it may be hard at times, but (at least for me), it’s been so so worth it. I don’t look in the mirror often, but when I do, I love knowing that I’m proud of the person staring back at me, because she’s living her own story and not someone else’s.
And by living into my true self, I’ve also been able to combat all the shame I used to carry around because of the fact that I don’t want kids. Over time, I’ve learned and grown confident that I am a valuable member of society regardless of my ability to birth a child. Bringing a child into this world may not be my gift, but I have plenty of other gifts to share. I bring people together. I’m a planner. I put people at ease with my presence, just by being me. I create a nurturing environment wherever I go.
For example, when I decided to plan a little getaway for my mama friends last year, they were all so appreciative, and I (and them) had so much fun. I got to spend time with my friends and, at the same time, give them the gift of rest and relaxation.
When we had our first family reunion in a long time and I was surrounded by my cousins and their kids for the first time, it felt so good to give the gift of caring for everyone else and being helpful.
I’m also blessed that my friends’ kids are really, truly awesome. I love spending time with them. So much, in fact, that this year for my birthday trip, I intentionally included some friends with kids for the first time. The friends who came seemed more at ease because we are so comfortable with kids. We created an environment where everyone could have fun and be themselves.
Mr. Dink and I are also giving the gift of support to our international student. We contribute to her feeling less alone and homesick (we know this because she told us!) and to helping her navigate life in a new country.
For me, all these examples represent the beauty of FI. The freedom of choice. The magic in getting to decide who I am and who I want to be in this world. Because I have taken the steps to save and invest, I am not beholden to my employer. Because I’m not tied to a job, I can take the time to figure out who I am outside of my job. Because I’m not relying on the income my employer provides to sustain my lifestyle, I am free to live life according to my own plan, my own wants and desires, not the desires of society.
For me, this is the ultimate reward of financial freedom. What’s yours?