I have wanted to write a post about my anxiety for awhile now, because it is such a big part of my life, but it felt vulnerable and never felt like the right time. Plus, as a personal finance blog, I didn’t want to write about something too non-personal-finance-related. However, if you’re a regular reader of the blog, you know my posts aren’t much about my numbers and are more about the lifestyle that the principles of slow FI (financial independence) allow. And so much of what slow FI is all about is more than just money. Then, I had a bit of an a-ha moment with my anxiety over the holidays that I felt was worth sharing. And I decided it was time. If you’re interested in hearing more about my journey with anxiety and how slow FI has influenced it, I hope you’ll read on.
First of all, let me just put it out there that I am not a mental health professional. Although I have a PhD in Neuroscience and know many of the pathophysiological mechanisms behind anxiety (aka, what goes on in our bodies when we experience anxiety), I am not a clinician or licensed therapist. I write purely from my own experience and my background knowledge of anxiety from a scientific standpoint.
What I do know is that everyone experiences anxiety differently, and unfortunately, the word “anxiety” gets thrown around a lot without much knowing or understanding of the clinical significance of the word. I’ve had conversations with very well-meaning family members who had no idea there was a difference between someone who experiences situational anxiety and someone who has a diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder.
In my opinion, the Mayo Clinic says it best in terms of simplicity: “Most people experience situational anxiety that is triggered by common things such as starting a new job, coming upon an unexpected expense, or having health concerns. However, for many people, feelings of frequent and excessive anxiety, fear, terror, or panic are part of everyday situations and affect the quality of life. In fact, anxiety disorders are one of the most common mental health illnesses in the United States and affected more than 40 million adults in the last year.” (emphasis mine)
And when it comes to personal experience with anxiety, I’ve found the author Glennon Doyle to have the description that resonates with me the most. She once described her anxiety as feeling like she was floating up in the sky, looking down on everything and everyone, but not hearing or thinking about them. I remember the first time I heard this, and I felt completely seen and understood. When my anxiety is running rampant, I’m not present at all. I’m so anxious and in my own head, I can’t even have a conversation with someone (well, I can, but they can usually tell that something is off). Mr. Dink (now that I’ve talked to him about my anxiety) usually knows when I’m struggling with it because I’m “checked out.” And I remember feeling this way with my dad, who has severe anxiety and PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) due to serving in the Vietnam War. He could be sitting right next to you and it was like he wasn’t even there.
This is why physical touch can work wonders for people with anxiety. When my dad first suggested it to me after learning about it in therapy, I was skeptical, but it really works for me. A simple hug from Mr. Dink does wonders because it brings me back to the present moment. It gives your body something tangible to grasp onto, something to show you that you’re not actually in the clouds but right here, on the ground, in the present moment.
I feel confident in saying that anxiety runs in my family. My dad has it, even if it is mostly associated with his PTSD. I’m fairly certain my grandmother (my dad’s mom) had it. I have vivid memories of her telling me about her “worries.” How she worried all the time, how her stomach got so upset when she was worried (stomach issues are mainly how anxiety manifests for me too). And after several conversations with my sister-in-law, I’m pretty sure my brother lives with anxiety too. These conversations with my sister-in -law and other family members have actually been a big motivator for me wanting to write and talk more about anxiety. Because I’ve realized how little people know. And the more we talk openly about our experiences, and the more we listen to each other, the more we know and can begin to understand, to have empathy and compassion. Talking about vulnerable experiences also helps people going through the same thing or something similar know they’re not alone. It’s a win-win, people! I know it’s scary, but it’s time for us all to get more vulnerable (I know, I know, I sound a lot like Brene Brown, but I’m ok with that).
Anxiety before slow FI
Likely not surprisingly from what I wrote above, my experience with anxiety started from a young age because of my dad’s journey with severe PTSD. Let’s go back to the Mayo Clinic to get our definition: “Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better. If the symptoms get worse, last for months or even years, and interfere with your day-to-day functioning, you may have PTSD.” (emphasis mine)
I remember when I was told by my parents about my dad, and naturally, as a budding scientist, I became obsessed with PTSD and learning every possible thing about it. Every time I had the opportunity, I would involve PTSD somehow in a school project. I remember “interviewing” my dad more than once about his experience with Vietnam and his PTSD. But it was mostly surface-level stuff: how he was a platoon leader, that he rode in helicopters, that he had to hike through the jungle for days on end. I never really knew how much his memories still affected him in the present day. As a family, we never talked about it. I learned later in life that he had nightmares all the time when my brother and I were growing up. That he coped with his PTSD by hiding behind a video camera and taking all of our family videos (which, don’t get me wrong, we treasure to this day). When he couldn’t come out of his room on vacations because of crippling anxiety and panic attacks, dad was “just not feeling well.”
So I guess it might make sense that I thought it was perfectly normal to have severe anxiety to the point where I was getting sick every morning in graduate school. No one knew that was the reason I was losing so much weight after college, because I couldn’t keep anything down or even have an appetite to eat as much as my body needed.
Although my anxiety only poked up here and there in early life (when I would do theater and have paralyzing fear trying to sing a solo in front of a crowd), it became more common when I started to apply to graduate schools. I remember those grad school interviews being totally grueling. They were full-day, sometimes multi-day interviews with 30-minute blocks spent with at least 8 different professors and included giving a presentation on my research at some point during the day. I remember puking in the bathroom between meetings at at least 3 of the schools.
My anxiety started to become more steady, more a part of my daily life, in graduate school, where I couldn’t even brush my teeth in the morning without gagging and then throwing up. It stayed with me, and was probably the worst, when I was still running on the hamster wheel, right through the 2 years I was working in my dream professor job. When I was desperate to fit into society’s definition of success, to be respected by my colleagues and top in my field.
I finally went to therapy about it, and that was the start of my new life. My knew life of recognizing my anxiety for what it was and choosing to live with it instead of in fear of it. We discussed medication, but it was never something I wanted to try. She introduced me to meditation instead.
My therapist got me to see that I was a high-functioning person with anxiety. I remember one of the first times I told my good friend and colleague at the dream professor job that I was in therapy for my anxiety, and she was shocked. “Why would someone like you ever need to go to therapy?”
If this resonates with you, please know that you’re not alone. No one on the outside knows what’s going on inside your body. Anxiety is also really hard to explain, and you shouldn’t have to. You have enough going on inside that head of yours…
I continued on as a high-functioning person with anxiety, using therapy and meditation to help get me through. My anxiety was with me when I realized that the dream professor job wasn’t the dream job after all. It was with me when I took a paycut to work as an academic editor doing work that I loved. And it was with me when I realized that I didn’t have to work all the time to be fulfilled in life. When I realized there was way more to life than just my job.
Anxiety after slow FI
Nowadays, my anxiety is the best it’s been since I realized I even had anxiety in the first place. For sure, I attribute a lot of this to seeking therapy and implementing meditation, but I also know deep down in my core that a lot of it has to do with my embracing of slow FI.
Around the same time that I got off the hamster wheel, took a paycut, and started to decouple my identity from my job, I came across slow FI. Coined by The Fioneers, slow FI is the utilization of the financial freedom gained along the way to financial independence to live happier and healthier lives now, before reaching traditional FI. This resonated so much with me. I had always been a saver, and decided I wanted to ultimately reach FIRE (financial independence, retire early) as soon as I learned about it, but the “retire early” part never really resonated with me. I realized that I didn’t have a desire to retire as much as I just wanted to work less, to make more time for things outside of work that interested me.
This realization led me to finding work that fulfilled me but that didn’t rule my life. It led me to setting better boundaries at work so I could maximize my time outside of work. It led me to setting goals in alignment with my values.
So, how has slow FI influenced my anxiety?
My work life is better
Once I embraced a slow FI lifestyle, I worked really hard to find a job that would pay me fairly but that was aligned with what I wanted. At the time, I had increased my income from the paycut editor job, but I was in a toxic work environment and my anxiety was back to running wild.
I spent a month working with recruiters and interviewing for jobs, trying to find a better fit. A job where I wouldn’t have to interact with clients (something that really ramped up my anxiety). A job where I could stay close to the content development (the part of the job that lit me up). I ultimately found that balance, and my work-related anxiety has never been better.
My imposter syndrome has quietted
When I first left my dream professor job, in a field I had trained in for years, and switched to a whole new field of editing and writing, my imposter syndrome (feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments) was out of control. But I couldn’t have said that at the time. I remember when I first learned about imposter syndrome. I learned about it on a podcast, and the definition resonated so much.
The expert on the podcast talked about how normal imposter syndrome is, especially for high achievers like myself. It’s natural, as someone who is good at their work but working at a high level, to doubt themselves. Just being able to put a name to what I was feeling and to know I wasn’t alone was enough to get me started in the right direction.
Since being now at my current company for a year and a half, I have a really good relationship with my imposter syndrome. Honestly, the thing that has helped the most is that I’ve realized that no one really knows what they’re doing, and we’re all just out there doing the best we can. I’ve learned that my superiors trust me to make decisions related to my work. Through therapy and meditation, I can recognize my imposter syndrome as soon as she shows up, which makes it so much easier to quiet her back down.
I know my body better than ever
With the actual slowing down that slow FI brings, coupled with therapy and meditation, I can be more in tune with what’s going on in my body. Before, when I would have anxiety, I wasn’t present in my own body, so I would just push it away and go on functioning.
Now, I’m better at recognizing when I’m anxious, and I know what I need to do to help myself out. Instead of working through anxiety, like I used to, and not being able to give my best, I can take a break when I’m starting to feel anxious. I know now that a 5 or 10 minute break away from my computer, with some deep breaths and maybe a hug if Mr. Dink is around, can help calm my anxiety. I used to just sit and stare at the computer, paralyzed and not able to do any work at all. I also know that exercise helps with my anxiety, so I’ve implemented daily (almost) walks. I can tell by the way my body feels when I’ve skipped one too many.
Slow FI helps me maintain all of these good habits I’ve built around my anxiety. Because I’m no longer on the hamster wheel, running at an unreasonable pace, I have time to reflect on my situation, especially my work situation, and make changes if needed. It also gives me time to work on myself and practice lots of self care.
With that said…
My anxiety will always be a work in progress
This brings me to the revelation I had over the holidays that I mentioned at the beginning of the post. Right before Christmas, my mom fractured her tibia (one of the leg bones) while skiing.
When we were visiting with her later in the holidays, we found out that she needed surgery to help set the broken bone. I started to worry about what this would mean. What would the recovery look like? What would this do to my mom’s mental health (she’s an extremely active person)? How much would I need to be available to her? Would work be ok with it? I barely had any time to process. We found out in the evening that she would need surgery, and we were leaving the next morning.
That morning, I woke up super anxious. I couldn’t get my thoughts straight. I was up in the clouds. I wasn’t present. But I thought I was playing everything off fine. I thought I had everyone fooled.
Until both my mom and my sister-in-law, separately, reached out to me later in the day to ask if I was ok. To tell me I seemed “not like myself” that morning. I had been cold and aloof. I was shocked. They had noticed? I hadn’t had raging anxiety in so long, was I possibly not as in tune with it as I once was?
I decided to be vulnerable and ask Mr. Dink what I had been like that morning at my mom’s. He confirmed what my mom and sister-in-law said. I couldn’t believe it. But I was also so relieved that 1) they had reached out to me and made me aware and 2) I had had the courage to ask Mr. Dink about it all. It gave me the opportunity to talk to him about what my anxiety feels like, how it manifests. I told him how I’m in the clouds and I think I just need some help to come back down in those moments. He suggested we use a code phrase. Since he knows when it’s happening, he can say the phrase in hopes that it’ll bring me back to the present moment, or at least make me aware of the effect I’m having on the people I love. We came up with “lost in space.”
For the first time in my life, I realized I was not alone in my anxiety. I’ve never before had anyone close to me (not counting my therapist here, because she’s not a close loved one, although I give her a ton of credit) to talk to about it, who sees how it affects me, who listens when I tell them about it and wants to help.
So yes, my anxiety will always be a work in progress. But with the principles of slow FI (and all my investments on autopilot so I never have to worry about saving), and the added bonus of my support system, I know it’s nothing I can’t handle.
How has slow FI influenced your life? What is the biggest thing that’s changed for you since adopting a slow FI lifestyle? I’d love to hear from you!