Slow FI And The Evolution of Friendships

Lately, with summer having been in full swing and COVID-19 restrictions becoming more and more lax, I have been spending a lot of time with friends. Not surprisingly, I have also been spending more money when it comes to friends. But spending money with friends has been easy because of the joy it brings. Rather than worrying about spending, I’ve found myself reflecting on how far my relationships with my friends have come since I’ve started taking a slow path to financial independence (FI). I’ve noticed how my friendships have changed and evolved. Some friendships have ended, and that has been hard, but for the most part, my friendships have changed for the better since slowing down my journey to FI.

My definition of friendship

One of the podcasts I have been listening to frequently this summer is Glennon Doyle’s podcast, We Can Do Hard Things. On one of the episodes, she was talking to Luvvie Ajayi Jones, and they were talking a lot about adult friendships. I was hanging on every word. And then Luvvie said something that stopped me in my tracks. She said that friendship, to her, meant “taking some form of responsibility for that person’s wellbeing”. This hit me so hard. Let me explain.

I have always considered myself blessed to have had so many good, close friends at different stages of my life. But those friends come and go, and it’s hard sometimes to grapple with that. Some of these friendship ebbs and flows have made a lot more sense than others. For example, when things in my family life were going to shit during my junior year of college, and I decided not to go abroad to Scotland as planned so I could be close to my family, I got really close with a senior from my distant friend circle. We had only been acquaintances before, but all of my close friends had gone abroad. So, this person was there by circumstance, and we got close. It wasn’t surprising then that after that year, after the circumstance that brought us together changed (she graduated, and my other friends came back from their glorious experiences abroad), we grew apart. That, to me, was an easy, less excruciating example of the impermanence of friendship.

Others, not so much. With one friend, we were close for years in our adult life. We went through graduate school together, and while it was difficult, we stayed close friends after we both got our degrees and moved on to other things, living on opposite coasts of the US. We still made it work. Until one day when it didn’t.

Mr. Dink and I had just had our house fire, where we had lost almost everything. It was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through, and this friend (by far my best friend at the time) was just not there for me. Not only was she not there for me, the first time we finally talked on the phone since the fire (after me asking her if we could talk), she proceeded to talk about herself for 30 minutes before I could even get a word in. Finally, at the end of her drawn-out saga, she said she had arrived at work (she had been driving) and needed to go. I told her I really needed to talk to her and blurted out what had happened so that at least she’d know, and she said she was sorry but she really had to go. That was it. I had been in the car with Mr. Dink, and even though he’d only picked up my side of the conversation, he couldn’t believe what had happened.

The next time she called (or even contacted me), over a week later, I wasn’t able to pick up, and she left me a tearful message about something going on with work that was really bothering her. I was stunned. I never returned her call. I didn’t have the energy or capacity at the time to have a hard conversation with her about it, and finally when she asked me over text if we could talk, I said no. When she pressed me on why, I said I was really hurt that she wasn’t there for me (at all) during this really hard time, and she got defensive and upset. I’m sure it would have gone better had I been able to talk to her over the phone about my feelings, but I honestly don’t know, and she never again tried to reach out and talk about it. So, just like that, our 8 year friendship ended in what felt like the blink of an eye (in hindsight, I can now see that we had been growing apart for awhile).

I’m not going to lie, that friendship ending was rough, but it also felt (weirdly) really right. At the time, whenever someone asked me what had happened, I would explain that our friendship just wasn’t working for me anymore, but I know now that that was because I didn’t have the words to describe better what had actually happened, at a root level. Listening to Luvvie that day on the podcast gave me those words. That friendship ended because she was no longer taking any responsibility for my wellbeing. And I was done putting up with it.

That may sound harsh to some. Maybe I should have tried harder to explain my feelings, or maybe that is too much responsibility to put on a friendship. I respect everyone’s own definitions of friendships. But for me, this mutual care in some form for each other’s wellbeing is it. It’s that simple. If I consider you a friend, I take some form of responsibility for your wellbeing, and I expect the same in return in order for us to have a lasting, meaningful relationship. Otherwise, you will be a person I know, an acquaintance, someone of course I will be friendly to and talk about the weather with. But I will no longer put myself out there for a friendship when I know my wellbeing isn’t being cared for. 

I used to feel so much guilt around friendships ending. I wondered what I could have possibly done differently, what was it about me that caused the friendship to end. But hearing Luvvie speak about friendship was freeing.

How slow FI shapes our friendships

This newfound perspective has given me so much clarity on the way my friendships have evolved since taking more of a slow FI journey. Being on this slow FI journey is, to me, so much about time. Our time is precious. Instead of working like crazy and living miserably to get to FI faster, I’ve chosen to slow down the timeline so that I can enjoy more of life along the way. My slow FI path has allowed me to intentionally choose how to spend my time.

I have taken steps to get off the hamster wheel, find the right job that causes me little stress and pays well, set better work boundaries, set goals for myself, and experiment with things I may want to do more of as I gain financial freedom (and thus modify my Financial Freedom List).

But in gaining more time freedom, and intentionally trying to enjoy life as it is right now, a big part of that, for me, has been in enjoying and nurturing my friendships. Mr. Dink and I love our community, and our friendships are part of that bigger umbrella of community.

As we’ve gone further down our path to FI and started to spread roots here in our Vermont community, we’ve discovered that some friends have not been as supportive, and so we’ve painfully said goodbye. But other friendships have grown stronger during our journey. Now I know that it’s because these friends care about our wellbeing, the way we care for them. Just how community should be.

Spending money in the name of friendship

Caring about each other’s wellbeing also sets a great foundation when it comes to money matters in friendships. If you’re mindful of each other’s wellbeing, financial wellbeing should be a part of that mindfulness. With money being such a taboo topic, it can be difficult to start the conversation from scratch without a foundation. But I find you can also learn how much someone cares about your wellbeing by broaching the topic of money. Regardless of it being taboo, you should be able to talk about money with your friends. And, in turn, you should be able to openly talk about spending money on your friendship.

Example #1 – the good

I’ve talked previously about my accountability partner, something I highly recommend for everyone. My accountability partner just happens to also be someone I consider a really good friend. We have talked openly about money since the early days of our friendship, which is going on 4 years now, but it wasn’t until recently that we found ourselves in the position of actually spending money together, on our friendship.

A bucket-list experience presented itself to us, and we couldn’t say no. Because 1) we cared about each other’s wellbeing and 2) we were used to talking openly and honestly about money, the whole process of discussing how we would pay for this bucket-list trip went smoothly. We discussed every expense right from the get-go. Because we had talked so much about our money situations up to that point, and because I cared about her wellbeing, I offered to pay for her portion up-front and that she could pay me back on a mutually agreed-upon schedule. She was overjoyed and thankful that I would be willing to do this, and we came up with a plan that was comfortable for both of us. She would pay me in monthly installments until her portion was paid off. She still thanks me to this day for letting her pay me in installments. I’m thrilled we were able to work it out so easily. It was honestly one of the best money experiences I’ve ever shared with a friend. But it was all because we had set the foundation.

example #2 – the bad

I think a lot of readers can probably relate to this next example: a friend gets married, and you have to navigate the expenses incurred for being a part of the wedding.

In retrospect, I think these experiences are particularly tricky because they involve not only you and your friend but also likely several other people for whom you have no connection. Even if you and your friend who is getting married care deeply about each other’s wellbeing, that friend is often not the one in charge of the logistics (mainly, money) surrounding a bridal shower or bachelorette party.

I can think of many examples where the spending around bachelorette parties did not go well, but one particular instance stands out in my memory. My friend’s older sister was planning her bachelorette party, which overall was quite well organized. We were simply told the dollar amount to contribute, and she took care of the rest (reservations, ride arrangements, etc.). Where she went wrong, in my opinion, was in telling us that our monetary contribution was an equal split among all the participants. However, upon arriving at the house where we were all staying, it was clear that things weren’t “even”. The sisters (there were many) all got to sleep in beds in bedrooms, and me and two of the “other friends” had to share one inflatable mattress on the living room floor… Were we younger and maybe more able to handle sleeping on the floor? Sure. Would I have cared had I not known that everyone contributed equally to the cost? Maybe. Did the sisters deserve the bedrooms because they did all the planning? Probably. But at the time (and being much more hard pressed for money than I am now), it definitely didn’t feel good knowing that we had contributed equally for what we got. Worst of all, one of the sisters overheard me badmouthing the whole situation when, after a night of hitting the town to celebrate my friend, I came home to realize that the air mattress did not, in fact, stay inflated. Not my proudest moment, and it created tension between me and my friend. Needless to say, money can be tricky and emotional, especially among friends who don’t have open conversations about it.

example #3 – the ugly

The worst money situation I’ve ever found myself in with a friend was when I made the mistake of telling her my salary. This is especially painful for me because I believe in making money less taboo, and I especially believe women should have comradery around money rather than competition. This was a good friend, one who even left the same “dream job” at the same time for the same reasons. However, I decided to remain somewhat in our field, using my degree, and she decided to go in another direction.

After she learned my current salary, everything changed. It’s all she wanted to talk about. Instead of having an honest conversation with me about where she is now and where she sees herself going, she would find little passive ways of hinting to me that she wanted me to help her find a job in my field. One that paid similarly. She didn’t seem to care at all that it had taken 6 years of hard work for me to learn a new industry. She offered to pay me to “coach” her. That felt completely awkward to me. She would bring it up every time we hung out. She even asked me if I could find her a job at my wedding. It got absolutely ridiculous, and I painfully realized that this behavior was not going to stop. Add that to the fact that she was not approving of some of the changes I had made in my life, in alignment with my slow FI path, and I finally realized that she had no interest in my wellbeing. Sadly, the friendship has since ended.

And yet…friendships are still one of the best parts of a slow FI lifestyle

Even though I have had some ups and downs when it comes to my adult friendships, I can also confidently say that I have never been happier with where my friendships are currently. The friends in my life are ones that I know care about my wellbeing, the same way I care for theirs. My relationships are stronger than ever because, by taking a slow FI path, I have the time and space to dedicate to nurturing my friendships. Because the ones that matter are truly important to me.

I’m a big fan of keeping it simple, and I’ve discovered a really simple way to keep the friendships that do matter alive. Some friends can go forever without talking or seeing each other, and pick right up where they left off. Although I agree with this, I know myself, and I crave a lot more “friend connection” than only interacting with someone once in awhile.

Enter my simple friend hack: the “tiny text.” Whenever I’m thinking of someone, even if I have nothing really to say and wonder if it’s even worth it, I text them. People are so busy, and it’s so easy to say “oh, I’ll text them later”. Then later becomes tomorrow, then next week, and before you know it, it’s been months since you spoke.

And guess what? Research backs me up on the importance of the “tiny text”! A recent study showed that people who received a random text, call, or email reported appreciating the gesture more than the person making the gesture thought they would!

So, the next time that you pause when you go to reach out to a friend, consider that they might appreciate it more than you think they will, and send that text/email or make that phone call anyway.

How do you feel about your friendships these days? Has your financial independence journey shifted your friendships at all? I’d love to hear from you!

P.S. If you find yourself wanting to reconnect with a friend you’ve grown distant from, especially because of the COVID-19 pandemic, I found this article helpful and informative.