It was June 2018. I had just started a new job, in a brand new career, after my world had turned upside down. After the job that I had thought would be my dream job, that I had been on the hamster wheel working toward my whole life, turned out not to be the dream job.
Since leaving that job, I had been freelancing, trying to find my way in a new career. While freelancing was great in terms of the freedom it gave me, I craved more stability, so I decided to take a chance on a full-time gig for one of my freelance clients. This was the pay-cut editor job you may have read about in my story that ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me.
Taking a chance on a feeling
Ok, back to June 2018. I was down in Durham, NC, for my first in-person company-wide meeting (the pay-cut editor job was for a remote company), and my manager was taking me and some teammates out for a dinner on the first night I was in town.
There were six of us in attendance, and I only knew 2 other people at the table. We were sitting 3 to a side, and I was on one end. There was a woman sitting on the opposite side of the table from me, on the other end. We were the farthest away from each other, and yet I felt what I can only explain as the universe pulling me toward her the entire time. There was something about her energy; I felt like it was in step with mine.
The conversation at the table was light and mostly work related. The group didn’t talk about a single personal thing, and yet somehow I felt that this woman would just get me. She seemed equal parts warm and bubbly and the most friendly and outgoing person on the planet, yet I had a hunch that she would listen deeply to me. I can probably say most of these things currently because we’ve known each other for 4+ years now. At the time, all it felt like was a whisper, a nudge.
As we all got up from dinner, ready to leave and go our separate ways, all I can say is that the universe somehow made it known to me that I was supposed to continue my conversation with this woman.
I didn’t know what to do – I felt panicky, like I had when I was trying to ask a crush out to the movies in high school.
I tried not to give it a second thought as I mustered up the courage to (probably awkwardly) ask her something like, “I’m not sure if you have any other plans tonight, but I’d love to keep hanging out if you’re interested?!?”
Who was I, some desperate girl trying so badly to be liked?? I felt ridiculous. I was dying inside. But something told me I had try.
To my relief, she immediately smiled, told me sure, she’d love to hang out, and recommended we go to a rooftop bar she loves since I had never been to the area before.
A relationship is born
As they say, the rest is history. We ended up having an amazing evening. Not only did we have a night of perfect weather in a perfect setting on a rooftop overlooking the city and sunset, we somehow ended up pouring our hearts out to each other.
I told her things about my previous, toxic job I had never shared with anyone, and she told me about her divorce and her new relationship and how far she’d come through it all. It was vulnerable. It was scary. And yet it felt so right.
An accidental accountability partner
I could never have imagined how that relationship would blossom. What I thought would maybe just be a friendship became so much more.
Since we worked for a remote company, it wasn’t out of the question to have virtual coffee chats with team members or colleagues. We set up a weekly coffee chat that we have continued to this day.
Because of this, we know most of the ins and outs of each others’ lives. But it has always felt like something slightly different from a normal friendship, at least for me. Over time, we have organically shared what our hopes and dreams are for ourselves, for our work, and for the world.
We truly listen to each other, without judgement or wanting to jump in with our own stories (most of the time). Because of that, we have been able to help each other and share advice from a place of compassion and empathy rather than selfishness.
What exactly is an accountability partner?
When I heard Tiffany Dufu interviewed on one of my favorite podcasts, Hello Monday, about accountability and support, I knew immediately this was the type of relationship my new-found friend and I were creating.
Tiffany talked about specifically a group of people, but the characteristics can easily be embodied in a single person as well. She said:
I’m a big proponent of having a different social category of people that I call a crew, who are in your life largely to understand what your ambitions are and what your plans are for the future and to hold you accountable for those.
Tiffany Dufu, interviewed on Hello Monday
Tiffany also talked about how accountability is different from friendship.
Well friendship is certainly different from what I would call cru-ship. I think that friendship is really important. Friendships are usually based in commonalities, shared interests. Crew relationships are based on accountability, and a core commitment to one another, and really moving one another forward in an intentional way.
This made perfect sense to me. We hadn’t necessarily connected that first night because we had shared interests (although of course we’ve since learned that we do have some). What kept us coming back for our coffee chats is that we were invested in the growth of each others’ lives, and over time, we formed a commitment to one another.
Over the years, we learned exactly what the heart of the other person desired, even if it was different from our own. Because we are each committed to the growth of the other person, we have been able to put ourselves in the others’ shoes and think about what we WOULD do in that situation, not what the other person should do to be more like us.
What types of things can an accountability partner help with?
An accountability partner can help move your life forward in so many profound ways, many more than I can include here. But what follows are just a few ways my accountability partner and I have helped each other, to get you thinking.
Goals
On that Hello Monday podcast I mentioned above, Tiffany also said:
The most powerful way to realize our goals is through accountability to other people.
I gave a big AMEN to that statement when I was listening. I have found this to be 100% true with my accountability partner. Goal setting has been one of the most important and profound accountability gifts we have given to each other.
I plan to talk about goals a lot on this blog, because I believe in goal setting so wholeheartedly, but I don’t know if I could have said the same without my accountability partner.
Although I started goal setting on my own, my accountability partner helped me tremendously in 3 main ways:
- She gave me a safe place to talk about my goals
- She critically evaluated my goals with me, asking questions to prompt me to think deeper or differently about a goal based on what she knew about me
- She held me accountable for those goals
Having a safe space to discuss goals is huge, especially if your goals are aligned with your values. If this is the case, sometimes goals can be very vulnerable, and having a safe space to discuss them without judgement is crucial.
For example, I truly believe I never would have started this blog without the support of my accountability partner. Thinking about writing, let alone starting a blog, was something so scary and vulnerable for me. I never told anyone about it except for her. But she was able to be the voice that told me I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t silly to think about doing this. If it was something I wanted, that was valid, and I should go for it.
I also want to say that holding accountability for someone includes eliminating judgement. If judgement is involved, accountability doesn’t work. I had to feel completely safe telling her my hopes and dreams, and that doesn’t work if you feel judged.
Careers
We have also both helped each other through job changes. In my case, when I knew I needed to leave a toxic work environment for something else, she encouraged me, even when I doubted myself.
Because we had talked about it extensively, she knew I needed a change, and she could encourage me when I had second thoughts. Working in a toxic job and going through a job search is incredibly exhausting, but she was there every step of the way cheering me on.
Her job change that we navigated together was a little different. She found herself first just feeling stuck in her current job, thinking maybe she wanted to change careers, and so I helped her unpack that. Because I had had multiple different jobs in the time of our friendship, I was able to help her in different ways. Of course I also cheered her on every step of the way, but I was also able to look over her resume (yay for being an editor) and give her advice on interviewing since I had just gone through it.
A piece of advice I would also say to anyone embarking on an accountability relationship is to just play to each others’ skill sets. Know what you’re good at, where you can be helpful, and also when to draw the line. For example, I could tell my accountability partner would likely need much more help than I could give her in her career quest to change jobs. So when she asked me my opinion on a career coach, I could wholeheartedly agree, knowing that I didn’t know her field all that well and having known others who had had great success with career coaches.
finances
Of course, accountability partners are also great for discussing finances. Mine gives me a safe space to discuss my journey to financial independence, and I’m able to help her by giving her information she didn’t have before.
Again, we come at finances from a place free of judgement. This is really hard for some people. I may have my thoughts and beliefs about how people should or should not handle their money, but I can’t bring that in to the relationship. If she asks me for money advice, I give her all the options so that she can make the decision that’s right for her. Full stop. (But of course I would tell her if I thought she was doing something REALLY catastrophic).
Final thoughts
In the end, everyone’s accountability relationships with others will be different, but I hope this post has got you thinking about who in your life could play this role (or is already playing it), or if you should be looking out in the universe for someone who may fit the bill for you!
I was listening to a podcast the other day and the woman being interviewed was saying how we can never really know how much we mean to other people. At some point, we have to just do what we do and be who we’re going to be and let the rest take care of itself.
I so believe this to be true, and find it quite profound for the day-to-day, but it also makes me think that having an accountability partner is a little bit of a life bonus. If you find a really good one, I think you’ll often find yourselves talking about how much you mean to each other. It can be a very fulfilling partnership.
I’m so grateful for my accountability partner. I’ve learned that the universe pulled me to her, and that it felt so right to share personal, vulnerable things with her that first night because we shared the best qualities in an accountability partner. We constantly talk about how much we mean to each other, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I now love telling the story of how she and I met. Looking back, I just find it absolutely fascinating that if I hadn’t been brave and put myself out there in a vulnerable place, this relationship may not have ever taken off, and I may have missed out on one of the most fulfilling friendships and partnerships I have ever had.
What will you take a chance on this week? Do you have a similar story? As always, please share; I’d love to hear from you!