At the first company I worked for after I left academia, the one where I took the hefty pay cut, we had biweekly team meetings. These meetings always started with an icebreaker as a way to get to know each other and increase team morale.
Let’s be honest, I’m not typically a fan of icebreakers, but this company had such great culture that they were always quite fun. One of the core values of this company was “show vulnerability” (how awesome, since you know how much I love vulnerability). So, for the most part, everyone felt like they could be themselves because most everyone at this company and on my team was super kind and accepting. At least for me, I’d never felt like I could be myself more at a job than I did there.
During one of these team meetings, the icebreaker was something like name someone you admire, and tell us why. Well, you know how sometimes when something pops into your head, and then that’s all you can think about? Who knows why, but the first person that popped into my mind as an answer to this question was Jennifer Aniston, whom I had always admired for her stance on the portrayal of women in society, specifically her words in a Huffington post article about being complete with or without having had a child. Here’s just a small excerpt:
We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone…We don’t need to be married or mothers to be complete. We get to determine our own “happily ever after” for ourselves.
Jennifer Aniston, The Huffington Post
So here I am in this team meeting, and my immediate internal reaction is there’s no way I can share this thought I’m having, even in this place that accepts vulnerability – people will think I’m nuts because NO ONE talks about not wanting kids. Like, ever.
But, in classic fashion, when you’re desperate to think of something else, you can’t. I willed myself to think of another answer, but I felt like I did when a doctor tells me to “swallow please” during a physical and all of a sudden swallowing feels impossible. I was even blessed with getting to answer the question last, and I still couldn’t think of ANYTHING else.
At this point, my palms were sweaty and I was contemplating faking technical issues and logging off the call (perk of remote work?), but I went for it. I gave Jennifer Anniston as an answer and said the thing. And everyone on camera, these people I spent hours with every week and with whom I had great relationships, just stared at me awkwardly. My manager, bless her soul, always had some positive response to everything everyone shared, and even she was lost for words.
It was painful, but it wasn’t anything new. At that point, I was so used to responses like “oh honey, you’ll change your mind someday” every time I told someone I didn’t think I wanted to have kids. The hardest conversation was when my brother’s girlfriend responded with “I can’t imagine how you could ever feel fulfilled in life if you didn’t have children”. (Side note: don’t worry – she’s now my sister-in-law, we are incredibly close, and we’ve since had a deeply emotional and compassionate heart-to-heart about this painful conversation. All is good with us). The point is, feeling shame because of other people’s responses around my not wanting children is something I’ve always had to deal with.
Children of my own have never been something I’ve deeply wanted
I think I have always known deep down that I did not want to have children. Unlike other childhood girlfriends, I never daydreamed about growing up, getting married, and having children. I daydreamed about playing volleyball in the Olympics and becoming a Professor. I think the only thing I ever contemplated when it came to children was baby names (because really, how fun is it to think about baby names??).
One conversation about children that really stuck with me occurred on a long road trip with one of my best girlfriends from graduate school. We were both single at the time, and we were discussing the matter of having children without also having a significant other in the picture. My friend’s stance was that she would 100% have a child, regardless of whether she had a partner. If she never ended up marrying and settling down, she would have a kid anyway, on her own, because she wanted one desperately. She couldn’t picture her life without children.
I remember her response really resonating with me because my stance was exactly the opposite. In that moment, I realized that I could only imagine myself having a child if it was something that was really important to my partner. This was the only case where I could actually picture myself having a child and still being happy – if it became something I wanted out of my love for my partner.
Dating and children
In my early 20s when I started to date, I remember being terrified for the subject of kids to come up, especially if I really liked someone. I would get this feeling of dread as the conversation started – a feeling I know now was because I didn’t want to have children, which I was scared would be a deal breaker for the person sitting across from me.
Luckily, when I met my now husband, when that topic came up, we were completely on the same page. We learned that we both really love kids and were really excited at the idea of becoming an aunt and uncle one day, but having children of our own wasn’t something we thought we wanted for ourselves.
Of course, things can change (and they still could), but for now, we feel the same way 6 years later as we did in those first few months of dating when the conversation came up. And the best part? We talk about it often. We continuously check in on each other about it, and make sure we are still on the same page. If some day we aren’t on the same page anymore, we’ll deal with it just like we deal with everything else that life throws our way.
Children and money
I feel like this post wouldn’t be complete without also stating the obvious – having children is expensive. According to the US Department of Agriculture, the average cost of raising a child through 17 years of age is $233,610. And this number is only based on the most recent report from 2015. I’m sure it has gone up since then. Also note, this number is based on a married couple with two children supporting the family with a median income.
The major expenses incurred for raising a child include housing, food, and childcare. There are of course many others (such as insurance and college), but these are the big ones. Childcare seems to be a big one these days, at least among my friends and family. The US Department of Health and Human services recommends that families spend no more than 7% of their income on child care. However, the average cost of care for just 1 baby in 2018 was 16% the median income of families in one region of Vermont. My husband and I know a couple who simply cannot afford childcare in Vermont, so the one with the highest salary works, while the other stays home with the child. And not everyone has the luxury to do this.
My husband and I know how much more money we’ll be able to save if we don’t have children. But here’s the thing: if we really wanted children, we would gladly pay the price. We are in the privileged position of being able to afford having children (and our frugal lifestyle wouldn’t hurt either), and we would happily make it work financially if that’s what we wanted.
Our futures will still involve children
My husband and I have friends who, like us, have also chosen not to have children, and they’ve expressed to us that it’s been hard for them to maintain relationships with their friends who have kids. We’ve actually found the opposite to be true for us. Even though we don’t want children of our own, we’ve been able to maintain, and even grow, some incredible relationships with friends who have kids. I think it’s likely because my husband and I actually enjoy spending time with children, unlike these other friends of ours. It could also be because my husband and I are really intentional with our time and who we spend our time with, and we care more about nurturing the friendships themselves than the fact that those friends happen to have children. In reality, it’s probably a combination of a lot of things.
We also know we will soon/eventually/someday become an aunt and uncle! My brother and sister-in-law have made it very clear that they want to grow their family in size, with children. Honestly, I’ve never been so excited. The joy I have from the thought of becoming a little human’s aunt is hard to even describe, and it is completely different from how I feel about becoming a mother. The thought of getting to be in someone’s life from the very beginning, someone who is coming into this world so wanted by their parents, makes me really profoundly happy.
The cherry on top
Someone I always used to worry about having this “no kids” conversation with is my mother. I love my mother dearly, but I have always felt pressure to be perfect (in her eyes) from a young age. When it came to the subject of children, I thought for sure my mom would be one of the many choruses of voices: “oh, I’m sure you’ll change your mind once you’re older”… “everyone is hesitant at first”… “oh, but you’d have such cute red-headed babies!”… “how could you not give me grandchildren?!”… the list is endless.
Apparently, my mom and I had some conversations in person about me not wanting kids, but I could never remember the details. Probably because shame was rearing its ugly head. Because of my own worries about how my mom would react to me not wanting children, I apparently could never really hear her or be fully present when we would talk about it in person. But the subject came up one day over text, and her response stopped me in my tracks. She wrote:
I really hope you truly know that it doesn’t matter to me at all. I only want what’s best for you guys and won’t be at all disappointed. I’m just so glad that we all live in a time where it’s totally OK to do what we want and need in our lives. Honoring each individual path is what it’s all about and you’re a shining star!
My jaw dropped when I read those words. I have never doubted her feelings about the matter since.
I think deep down all we really want is to be seen and heard. Seen for who we truly are, heard for what we ourselves believe. And to not be judged for who we are, who we are showing ourselves to be. Unfortunately, these things are really hard to come by in this world we live in.
In the end, all I can do is to try to surround myself with people who hear me. A community who lets me be who I am, no strings attached. In my adult life, I have found myself letting go of people who do not accept me for who I am. It’s hard at first, but when I see the life I can live, the beauty that abounds when you surround yourself with people who support you, there’s no going back. And it gets easier to let go with time.
Letting go of the shame I carry about not wanting kids will always be a work in progress, but it helps knowing I have the support system I need to carry me through in good times and bad.
I hope you have the support system you need, or if not, are actively working on growing it!